I just work up, it’s 6am and I can’t get back to sleep. I’m trying to approach this mind-spin mindfully, but for the first time in a long time I can’t seem to control the spread of thoughts in my head.
They’re filling me up from ear to ear with negativity, paranoia, frustration, repeated questions on loop, and general unease.
Something was triggered last night and i’m trying to piece it together.
- Was it alcohol? I’ve not been drinking a lot lately, not like I used to (and certainly not binge drinking) but that’s three nights in a row I’ve had a few drinks. That never used to be an issue but i’ve really struggled with drinking in recent months, and have contemplated on more than one occasion the thought of giving up. Means a total lifestyle change, but that’s what I want right?
- Am I just more ‘open’ since my Reiki session? Am I realising things that I’ve never thought of before? Are things coming to me in my dreams, and should I be listening to them? Four nights in a row I dreamed about THE GREAT LOVE, which is intense – what am I being told here? Apart from the obvious that is…
- Did the dream I just had freak me out? In it, a girl I was briefly friends with earlier this year, was ignoring me on an escalator. I was stood behind her and nudged her, and she ended up just saying, ‘yeh i’m just really not interested in being your friend’, and my response to her was to say ‘I know I have a big mouth sometimes, i’m sorry’.
Why did I say that?
Am I worried she’s not talking to me (which she’s not in real life) because I’ve said something to someone I shouldn’t have? It’s possible at one stage I was a bit annoyed by her flakiness and was willing to lose the acquaintance, and did say something I probably shouldn’t have to someone about her. Is that what’s on my mind? Is it likely she knows? And I suppose the questions is, why do I even care… my ego is bruised isn’t it… this is evidence I’m not a perfect person.
Last night I was at my new friend’s house. He doesn’t really know me, he’s met me say four times. And I was enjoying this friendship because he knows nothing about me really, what’s great about making new friends is that you can start the slate clean.
But then ruins it by sticking on a movie by Mike Leigh, Happy Go Lucky. Apparently I remind him (‘you’re exactly like her!’) of one of the main characters’ friends. This isn’t the worst thing in the world. But what bothered me more is that I hate this film because it had this group of mates in it who were so unrealistic to me, in my world. They talked about superficial stuff in overly forced cockney accents, and there was a post-night out scene back at one of the girls’ houses in Camden, which was the point that I couldn’t get past when I originally watched the film. It was fucking awful.
And this is exactly the scene he puts on.
And he’s laughing through out it.
Only its not funny.
And I am NOTHING like this girl, that apparently i’m the same as.
Certainly nothing like her in my head, that is.
So its gotten me thinking about how people perceive me. This has always been a weird space for me, because more often than not the rest of the world sees or experiences something I have no connection to. In this particular instance I was good humoured about it and took the piss out of myself and laughed along, but inside I was seething.
Was it possible, that over 4 ‘meetings’ with my new friend, i’d projected a different person into the world in my attempt to start from scratch? That makes me sound almost ashamed of myself and who I really am. I don’t think I am though. Yet here is evidence that across 4 separate occasions with someone I thought I got on really well with (albeit we’re completely different people, just have to caveat), i’m apparently some cockney twat who swears a lot. The comedy side kick, if you will.
I must be deluded, because in my head I’m more Carrie Bradshaw meets Carrie (the Stephen King version). A bit weird, but possibly to some people, a bit cool. But then again, we all wear different hats at different times of our lives or with different groups of people – but what does that mean? Where is integrity in all of this?
I totally want to not care about this subject matter, but I really do. And its making all these old issues surface and I feel a bit like I don’t know who I am anymore.
Most people would probably saying ‘you’re over thinking it’ or ‘try not to be so sensitive’.
Slightly separately, but still connected to this headspace, I started thinking about how facebook really annoys me sometimes. I get posts from people that I don’t know appear in my newsfeed, and too many photos from proud parents and everyone gushing in the comments, or pictures of cocktails saying ‘oh go on then, it’s Christmas!’. And I’m starting to feel less than festive and I’m saying the word ‘c*nts’ a lot. Toying with status updates about how Christmas is a pile of commercial bullshit, to pop the balloon in everyone’s happy party.
But I don’t. One foot firmly still in reality, it would seem.
About to embark on a six week abroad trip to reclaim my sanity, I think I may have a facebook clear out – it will probably be really cleansing. Then I may take my profile down for the duration of my trip so that I truly immerse myself.
Or else I’m in danger of becoming one of those cunts who posts photos of them on a tropical beach, drinking a fucking cocktail.