Cracking Up

Posted on September 4, 2012


I feel like I’m cracking up.

On top of the world one minute, under a rock whimpering the next. I’ve not cried, but I’m on the verge of it. All from a conversation with someone who misunderstood me yesterday and thought I said something I didn’t.

There was something in her tone that just said: I’m forcing myself to be diplomatic and sensitive but what I really think is that you led me to believe something that wasn’t true.

In other words:

You lied to me.

There, I said it. It’s out now like the fizz in a shaked up can and whilst my confidence is pretty much at rock bottom, I know that I didn’t mislead her.

What creeps into my consciousness and widens the cracks in my in my fear is the paranoid voices that whisper to me ‘they’re all saying it’.

She doesn’t listen, they say.

She doesn’t speak clearly, they agree.

The whole conversation with her suspicious odd tone that’s trying to be soft and kind and smiley is riddle with alternative thoughts off scene.

My mind spins with uncertainty, the images of conversations played out about me, the huddle and hushed tones of disapproval and realisation that I’m slightly off key, unpredictable, incoherent, a bad communicator, a liar.

I hear my mums voice slagging off my dad, you never listen she says, you’re always in the moon. The childish whispers of classmates spreading nasty lies and making up cruel names for me now replaced by adults convinced I’m things that I’m not – and the whole thing just feels awkward, patronising – and worse, I aim to please. I apologise to her, and hate myself immediately after. Don’t apologise my brain screams! But then I wander if maybe it’s me – there’s no fuel without fire, perhaps I’m weird, perhaps I don’t communicate properly, perhaps I’m not smart or clear headed enough to predict outcomes from the direction certain dialogues head in, in order to safe guard these confusing moments. Maybe I confuse people per se, maybe there’s truth in this. Maybe I’m falling apart from the inside and the facade is starting to crack.

I feel like i’m cracking up.

Posted in: The Truth