Pin the tail on the donkey

Posted on November 4, 2012

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You ever had that feeling where you go round and round in circles with your thoughts, feelings, emotions and just as you think you get a grip on them you’re reminded that you really are blind to the reality of it all?

2012 was one of those years. Extreme ups and downs to the point of exhaustion. Now i’m not one to probably really know what exhaustion is – after 10 minutes of yoga i’m wondering how subtly I could make an exist without embaressing the teacher. But there is a type of exhaustion where all you have left is enough energy to get yourself into and out of bed every morning and night; and to feel satisfied at the end of a day is to go to bed feeling like you are okay enough to just about do it all over again

Without keeping yourself up all night with thoughts swimming about your head from the previous day.

I’m talking an exhaustion where you change how you eat, drink and play because the consequences of those actions could result in major spikes in your mood, and you’re almost too scared to take the risk, like you have unconsciously for so many years. The type that when you feel good you feel so good it’s like you imagined being unwell, and you suddenly feel ready to take on the world again. Only to be reminded that you’re a fool for thinking you’re okay.

Learning that these spikes are repetitive and my behaviors are equally so, caused me to stop drinking recently – okay, cut back – on drinking altogether. No more stopping to pick up wine on the way home, or chopping up a lime when I get it, just so its easier to add to a G&T later. Maybe i’m exaggerating that last bit. But even going out, I’ll now start the night in a ‘i’m going sober’ mindset, to maybe settle on a pint, or a slowly supped wine. For those that know me, they’ll probably be thinking this just a fad, or a phase. And I suppose catch me in a good enough mood and i’ll feel a bit more indifferent, and likely quench my thirst on a bottle before you can say New Zealand Marlborough Sauvignon Blanc. But at least I’ll have given it a good go. And i’ll be smiling.

All this cutting back must be doing me some good though because I wrote the following list yesterday, a list of reasons why this has been a landmark year. A term I found myself using as an overarching theme to describe this year to a good friend, a person I still really care about. Who also happens to be an – I mean my – ex boyfriend. Someone I lived with in a lovely bubble for most of the year and a half we were together. The term landmark year seemed so mature of me that I thought i’d re-use it. It demonstrated I had the gift of hindsight. I hadn’t realised that I necessarily had by that point.

There’s even the odd statement in there that today i’m struggling to know where it came from, which I suppose is why I’m writing this post. I want to record everything i’m feeling, the good and the not so good. And today my mood slipped a bit, following my sober night raving last night. Despite feeling pretty amazing yesterday. Exhaustingly so. But more of that in another post. It deserves a whole post.

Why 2012 has been a land mark year:
Got on the property ladder (even though its shared ownership, its still better than renting)
Grew up a little bit (I feel older. I AM older. My inner me is no longer 24 but perhaps 28 or 29)
Stuck it out during challenging times, when I questioned the point of it all
Suffered a pretty dark depression – which I didn’t really realise I had until I started to feel like I was cracking up (although came out the other side with a fresh perspective on the world and my role in it)
Got together with someone I really wanted to get together with, giving it one last go –  all the reasons why it never worked in the first place revealled themselves very quickly
Got heartbroken
Hit rock bottom emotionally, possibly one level above as low as you can go.

Lost my confidance in myself, felt nervous in un-intimidating situations. Became really hard on myself. Couldn’t socialise.

Nearly packed it all in and left the country.

Built myself back up – therapy helped, great friends too, mindfullness meditation and Dr John, the magician
Found I’m happy being single, and that I don’t want a relationship at the moment. Feel really good about this
Started to do more work on myself, getting to know what I need, don’t need, don’t want
Found myself going two steps forward, three steps back. Felt tired all the time

Thought I was going mad (and wrote ‘Cracking Up’)
Started my blog: finally
Had lovely trips to Istanbul, Malta and the Lakes. Did lots of soul searching
Learned that you can control your thoughts and that you’re in control of your emotions and how they play out. This was big
Discovered a new way of life – at least, a new way of thinking about life
Started to feel happy again

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Posted in: Journal, The Truth