Dating Profiles 2

Posted on December 12, 2012

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This is my online dating profile in the summer of 2009, just after a relationship with a guy I really liked ended. We  were experimenting with an open relationship, he’d always cheated on his girlfriends in the past so when I said I was into the open relationship thing it seemed to work for him. We had rules, and talked openly about what we could and couldn’t do but a blip that meant I hurt him (and made me realise I wanted to be exclusive), freaked him out and drove him away.  

I must have written this shortly after it ended and I had realised that I was avoiding what I really wanted – which was to be in a loving monogamous relationship. Something I had very little experience of at that time.

Earlier today I posted about how we control how people perceive us online – and its a theme that comes up frequently in my writing, and looking back whilst I would have felt I had really put myself out there in this online profile it’s littered with confusion and a defensive lack of commitment. I still wasn’t comfortable with the idea of monogamy I don’t think, I wanted it, but it wholeheartedly scared me.   

Girls who like Girls who like Boys who like Boys

Am toying with the idea of monogamy….yet I keep coming back to the same thing.  Variety. Change. Cock. Girls. Newness. Different dynamics. I do rather quite like the smell of new things. She scoffs as she sees how she worked the working title of her novel into that sentence. She quashes the reflex at the back of her throat as she feels a little shamed of herself talking in the third.

I used to crave the ultimate. You know, that all encompassing, almost obsessive, ok, Obsessive, thing which is unexplainable and intense and crazy and you lose all sense of the world.

In the final year of my 20’s I’m just super happy to be where I’m at. Me. With my desire for eternal youth; my justified obsession for analysing human behaviour and the world in all its quirkiness; and my hard on to simply just go bowling. You know, good ole, old skool fun. A beer, a big shiny ball, and enough fluke on my side to get me a turkey.

As a person I can be kinda complex… contradictory sometimes. Preachery. Always right. Often wrong. Able to take criticism. Defensive. Argumentative. Totally chilled. A night owl. A lover of sleep, a cup of hot milk and an early night. I read anything. No point dropping names, if it’s good I’m happy to give it a go. If it’s sexy, got vampires, victorian england or a perverted bloke in it; I might even finish it. I start things often. I end things less often. Yet I end things quite a lot.

So you see, monogamy… its an interesting concept. Something I think I’m ready for, with the right person. But I’m open to variations on that, dynamic depending.

I couldn’t decide for a while which sex I was into. Then just accepted I like both. I’m a lover of people, of their energy and its form in all its glory; even more so the person under the skin. Skin is more beautiful when the person under it is. But to be here, drenched in this self awareness, it’s taken time. And I’ve made my mistakes along the way.

I get bored easily. Yet I will listen to an album or song I like, like a hundred times on repeat. Loudly. I like the music I like. I like eclectisim, weirdness, layers, pounding dirrrrty bass. Dubstep. Jungle. Grime. Electro. Acid House. Industrial. Moody instrumentals or haunting vocals. I’ll think about you all the time. I’m still at my happiest on a dance floor, talking shit, connecting, learning something new, feeling like i’m contributing, somehow, to something. I seek stimulation and fulfillment in everything I do. I day dream, fantasise, long for, do. Those things never change.

If you are able to debate the ramblings of Neitzsche or the sensibilities of Chomsky; care even remotely about the rights of the human, indulge in the odd war film, DJ or are musical…then u could be my vintage. I’m not normal, although visually appear somewhat conventional..I avoid the high street and banks like aids. I like artsy, non pretentious but dapper types. If you know what verbally sagacious means; enjoy street art; have your “thing” which makes you YOU….do get in touch. I wanna feel your pulse.

I come from a family of Maltese control freaks. I always thought our family were highly sensitive – in an intuitive almost psychic sense. I am still waiting for the dream with all the numbers. I also come from a family of south londoners, the most chilled submissive folk you’ll ever meet. I wholeheartedly believe in the art of good communication, emotional expression, understanding, respect, trust and good old fashioned love. They litter the top layers of my inner recesses and allow for the sweeping and/or digging by anyone worthy 🙂

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