My Bright Is Too Slight To Hold Back All My Dark

Posted on December 12, 2012



can't put your arms around a memory

It’s the end of the world as we know it. Today will be the last day I mope and reminisce and wallow from exhaustion and failure and feeling utterly utterly hopeless, like I have been for the past few weeks. Maybe years. Tomorrow is the start of the new world.

But before the final hour of End of the World day, I have just one question to ask you. What would you do if you found a forgotten folder on your external hard drive? Despite knowing it would open a can of worms. You’d look, right?

I just came across a folder titled MSN chats. And I suppose, despite knowing how fragile i’m kinda feeling, it lured me in. I knew that there would be conversations in there that I had forgotten about but had often thought of out of context.

I started saving my MSN and Skype conversations in 2008 out of habit, before it would save them for you. Sometimes it was in case there was vital information in there – phone numbers, addresses, links etc. And sometimes it was because those conversations meant something to me.

Checking that folder was like a step back in time to a world where I feel like in comparison to how I am feeling now I was happy and carefree. I seemed bubbly. Chatty. Perhaps too chatty. And maybe a bit demanding with certain people. A certain someone, to be honest. It wasn’t comfortable reading. But I was playful, a bit overly serious sometimes. But generally good humoured. Then i’d smack this certain someone down with a random out of nowhere smackdown. A fuck off, or sentence to push them away – all because they pissed me off. Maybe they didn’t message me back quick enough. I remember at the time feeling overwhelming rejection. I see now how a lot of it was in my head.

Reading those chats back wasn’t easy and its made me feel a bit tearful. I didn’t even know who some of them were with. That’s not what I feel sad about. But with a particular someone (who came back into my life this year with some huge promises, and left without so much as a goodbye). So yeh, I realise my shortcomings as much as his, and on reflection I’m not sure how much I like the person I was back then. Deeply insecure. Confused. Manic. A bit crazy, actually. But only mostly with him I think and there it was in front of me just now as I read the conversations back and it stung to see it. With this particular person, a friend I loved dearly – who’s friendship I think i’ve forever lost – I was unable to stay in control of how I felt. Quite simply, I felt too much. Of all the good, and equally the bad.

Reading that back was just like fitting something together that hadn’t quite fit, despite me constantly wearing it. And it’s been heavy.

I have precisely 2 hours and 10 minutes to carry on feeling weird about it. Then tomorrow it’s a new world.

Posted in: Journal