New Day, New World

Posted on December 13, 2012


new dawn new day

Just a quick one to comment, now that i’m getting some readers (whoop! And thank you – to all 10 of you!) that last night and the last few weeks have been majorly cathartic. I was in a somewhat downbeat headspace (who me?) and actually in the end, and I’ll admit this – I couldn’t sleep for crying. Not ER crying, where I feel overwhelmed by the pain of the world, albeit dramatised. And kinda glossy.Nope, I cried like a baby – spooning my scrunched up pillow, and it was horrible and sad and good all at the same time. I think I got there – so many of life’s distractions stripped away for months and weeks and finally days. After three weeks off work with very little energy to do anything I was forced to go to that place, the one I always knew was there but never had the guts to go to. Left over residue from a lot of stuff – childhood and adult – and when I woke up I wasn’t thinking about my pain anymore. It was like it had shifted. I woke up feeling alright.

I’m actually feeling a bit more christmassy today (hang on cynics – I just brought some presents, i’m not about to abandon you yet) but i’m also more excited about doing things with my friends and family during the holidays. Yesterday I just wanted to crawl under a rock and disappear. Popping corks and having that perfect day (which according to the world of advertising, happens in all families) felt a bit wrong, especially as I’m going to be volunteering for Crisis at Christmas. But today I realised that what’s in the past is in the past. It’s now time to move on.

And I suppose celebrating peace love and happiness isn’t the worst thing in the world. Given i’m lucky enough to have a loving family, amazing friends, a great job and a roof over my head. Perhaps this is what the true spirit of Christmas is, feeling genuine thanks for your lot. I’ve never felt that before if i’m honest.

So I guess the world really did end last night, even if it was just the one in my head. But it took place in my bed – which is exciting. A good omen i’m thinking. After god knows how many months of intended celibacy I aim to get back out there in 2013. I feel like last night’s trip down memory lane allowed me to say goodbye, as painful as it was I just hadn’t been properly letting go, for years. Now it’s time to create some new memories.

Posted in: Journal