Let’s take it slowwwww

Posted on January 19, 2013


Does anyone else understand what it feels like to want to take things slow with someone you’re apparently massively in love with?

It means you’ve got other things going on in your life doesn’t it. It means you’re not quite in the right head space to take the plunge.

I never even wanted there to be a plunge. The word plunge is just making me thing of plunging the toilet. I hope this isn’t a strange metaphor for unplugging shit.

It was supposed to only just be a bit of company whilst i’m laid up here in bed with my post-surgery knee.

That’s all I wanted.

I had texted ‘The Great Love’ newly named ‘The Not-So-Great Love’ earlier today, after sensing he was going to blow me out this weekend with this;

Heyy. How’s the flat hunting going? Listen, am going on a bit of a limb here but I don’t want you feeling any pressure about coming over to me okay? If you need a bit more time, i’m not going anywhere (literally). Hah. Mwah x

I then felt a bit pissed off i’d not heard back and wrote my last blog post about how hard it is having feelings for someone with Aspergers.

Assuming his place on the autistic spectrum is what’s responsible for his slightly off key behavioural patterns…

But to be honest, him coming over wasn’t about us starting some big romance. I was just feeling lonely. I’ve not been out my flat in four days (or changed out my PJs for that matter) and it can be kinda frustrating being told by someone you really care about that they’re gonna come and look after you, and then they don’t turn up. Especially when you’re feeling a bit vulnerable and alone.

In the end I heard from him earlier tonight on skype. He said nothing to worry about, his phone died whilst he was out house hunting and he got my text just now when had charged up his phone back home.

He said that maybe I had a point though – that going a bit slower might be good for us.

I ended up chatting to my flat mate and good friend about this particular person, she knows the history but i’d not mentioned we’d reconnected recently.

Needless to say she isn’t a fan of my rekindling things with him.

And I’ve said this before, very few of my friends understand why I bother with him.

I think last week I was feeling very open to whatever might happen, especially as he seemed so keen to pick things back up and pursue what felt natural. Even though I had warning bells ringing in my head about it (aka BLIP WEDNESDAY). I have to say in all honesty, and this is hard to admit to myself, when i’m with him I really do see a future together. Its kind of crazy to feel like that about someone in this way, where it feels so meant to be. Am I deluded? Or simply impatient? I’m very open to what these sorts of feelings can mean, and have explored them in therapy quite a lot. I have views on what falling in love actually really means in terms of the chemical releases in your brain, where you might be in your life at the time, and any other insecurities or needs you have that might appear to be met by said person.

I’m a pretty objective person, is what I suppose i’m trying to say.

I’d be keen to know what other people think actually.. Am I completely mad to let someone so flaky like this back into my life? Or am I just caught up in a love relationship with someone extremely emotionally tricky? Either way I might be better to stay well guarded and less involved hey.

Part of me feels like i’m testing my own inner strength by having him back in my life, which is a good thing. I want this to not bother me. I couldn’t stand it when him and me weren’t talking. But then when I do let him back into my life, his head spaces stop him from being a good mate to me. And right now what I needed is a really good friend.

I’ve felt an absence of good friends in my life recently, people seem to be too caught up in their own stuff and i’m lacking the love and care I would have thought i’d get from having been in hospital and had fairly major surgery. I know its just my knee, but still. I’m feeling like shit. I’m still in pain. I don’t think i’m so self-involved that I am feeling this way unnecessarily.

Anyone would feel a bit disappointed if they were looking forward to a loved one visiting them at the weekend, and then said loved one didn’t come.

After all, I sent my mum home yesterday afternoon, back up to Lincolnshire where she now lives with my dad. I thought I was going to have this person coming to stay with me for the weekend.  I didn’t think I was going to end up being on my own all weekend.

That’s not great, is it.

I think the lesson here is, I just want more.



Posted in: Journal, Journeys, Random