We’re on different threads, you and me…

Posted on January 22, 2013


If the paths we pass down were a thread in a mahoosive tapestry, and from time to time we found ourselves sailing along the same thread with someone, you could argue that it is in that moment that whatever it is we might be thinking, feeling or doing on that thread, is shared by the person on the same thread with us. Simple to comprehend, right? Hey look, I don’t pride myself on my analogies.

But look, usually in life, like when you have relationships, of the romantic sort – and friendships to a certain extent too – its the pattern you create together that keeps you together. As soon as someone starts to jump to another thread, it’s just not that easy to share the same common goal anymore.

Check me out, Philosopher Cotton. PHD.

In short. Me and THE GREAT LOVE, are not on the same thread.

Momentarily, it feels like we have the same design in mind. And fuck me its a great design. So great, we feel a sense of ecstasy around our shared objective.

But as we start to weave this god damn tapestry, knowing and appreciating and feeling slightly – well, greatly – overwhelmed by the great fucking huge job we have ahead of us, we start to get other ideas – and there are other distractions, and we start finding ourselves weaving along at a different pace. It’s no longer about team work, the thread starts to wear down from all the friction, the fibers splitting off in different directions and before you know your tapestry is fucked.

With a seven year age gap between us, I’ve got a head start on understanding my goals, wants and needs. I’m really clear now on my objective. I’ve had more time to get under the skin of why I do the things I do, and whilst my buttons still get pressed from time to time (and I can feel that raw pain from childhood trauma and get blinded by it) the trouble is, THE GREAT LOVE’s problems are triggering mine! His fear stops him running toward the same objective as me. His utter terror at the thought of allowing such a great amount of love into his life, means i’m left with this god awful fear i’m losing mine. So, as long as he’s not ready to face his demons and work on dealing with what’s lurking deep inside of him, he’s just always going to inadvertently draw out mine.

For anyone that’s been adopted, you’ll know what it’s like to fear love for as great as it is, it leaves you at risk of abandonment or rejection, opening up deeply buried old wounds triggering off something so deep inside that it scares you to even contemplate going to explore it, and perhaps (and of course only for some) it might be so overwhelming that you stop yourself being around anyone that might challenge you to go there. You pick the nice  and easy safe bets. The person who makes you feel good. Like all of the time.

I guess i’m realising that the guy I want to grow old with, is so terrified of giving things a go that he – possibly subconsciously – creates emotional boundaries in order to protect himself. Yet it’s unpredictable and so ever-changing depending on general mood, confidance that day, hindsight, stress or primal need that even the most patient person would struggle to be on the receiving end of it.

I’m neither patient nor emotionally strong enough to keep sewing this tapestry on my own whilst he swings from one thread to another figuring out his own life course.

The last few days i’d started to get kinda down. Him telling me that it might be good for us to takes things slower, was understandable in the circumstances. Only it started to feel like a fob off. It’s like 25% of me gets the reality of the situation, and at first that feels like 100%; but as time passes it reduces, and before I know i’m pretty much three quarters convinced he’s just going to end up disappearing. It feels like a long drawn out rejection that starts with promised phone calls that never come, then polite ‘i’m too busy to talk right now’s. And eventually, like it has in the past, my demands to know what’s going on simply get met with silence.

Half of me thinks its unfair, to be treated like this. And obviously i’m keen to break the pattern whilst fighting my own primal fears of rejection and abandonment. You know this situation is hard. There’s a guy out there who I feel forever feelings for and I can’t do anything about it except sit back and wait it out (and deep down be silently waiting, which is holding me back in my own life from finding someone else or even just being content and happy). I spend a lot of time having an argument with him in my head, mostly screaming that he can’t treat me this way, that i’m lonely. I spend a lot of my time convincing myself to move on.

Then i’ll get a text from him saying he misses me, and i’ll realise what a twat i’ve been. But equally, it’s easy for him to have a relationship with me by text or skype. I want to see him put in the phone calls, develop a proper relationship, see me regularly, take me out somewhere special. Yet he can’t seem to ever do that. He says he will be able to in time, we just gotta take things slow he says.

Most of my mates wouldn’t understand this. So I guess i’m talking to wordpress instead.

My therapist would probably say i’m in love with a guy I can never have because i’m subconsciously scared of commitment myself (snooze) – or a good one might say I’m purposefully choosing to be with someone I can’t ever really have because then my inner most belief system that says i’m unlovable would be given the proof it’s been seeking all my life. Rejection being my comfort zone. Being in a state of abandonment, the underlying theme that my psyche can relate to.

You know what though? Like anyone, I just want to love and be loved. I have such a great capacity for love. The fact that there’s a person in the world who I can envision being with on the deepest level two humans can be, is a pretty good sign that hope isn’t lost for me, right? Yet there could be scientific – or physiological at least – explanations for why we love the people we do… to explain why sometimes it feels really fucking intense, or sublime, or complicated, or hurtful. When there’s no particular reason we can think of that makes it more intense or sublime or connected with that particular person. Of course we trigger things in people, that’s the nature of human interaction… of human touch. Intimacy is a delicate monster.

But with the RIGHT person – not necessarily the GREAT person – it can be sustainable, healing and healthy.

I guess then, the search continues?

Posted in: Journal, Random, The Truth