Who am I?

Posted on January 25, 2013


On the surface, i’m a seemingly happy go lucky, charismatic, sparky individual who engages with people, I make them feel good about themselves, I do kind things for both people I know and strangers, and I come across as confidant and smart and probably like a pretty sorted individual.

Scratch beneath that surface, like most of my good friends have, and you’ll see that i’m a loving individual, with a unique sense of a humour and a less than conventional way of looking at the world. I’m extraordinarily open minded, I try new things all the time, I don’t sit still for very long, get bored easily, can be a bit of a loner, don’t have romantic relationships very often, rarely meet anyone I’m interested in, can be super fun to hang out with one time but be pensive and moody the next.

For those that dig even deeper, there’s a darkness that most people are rarely aware of in themselves. I’m constantly trying to work myself out, to resolve issues from the past and analyse the consequences of my own actions in the responses of those around me. I’m always blaming myself for the behaviors of others, it’s always down to something i’ve done, something i’ve said. I struggle to imagine that other people’s cold reactions, lack of engagement or chemistry or weird actions are anything other than down to a response triggered by me. I question if my ego is as big as my insecurity, and I go round and round in my own to the point of sometimes taking handfuls of sleeping tablets just to switch my brain off. I flirt with long term sleep.

Very few in the world know that I fantasise about bad things happening. People don’t really know that I sometimes wish I wasn’t on this planet, that I am scared about my future, that I feel tremendous guilt for the way I feel, for my parents and the way I’ve punished them for sending me away when I was 7. I don’t really talk about the fact that when I think about the world, the universe, the reason why we’re here on this planet etc, that I feel these incredible overwhelming surges of – fuck, I dunno – something. It’s all too much.

I can swing from feeling far too depressed, lonely and insecure to feeling optimistic i’ll have the relationship and the family I want in this life, to then feeling the complete opposite. I think I feel deep down that having my own family will cure me of my ills. I have days where I am the same person that people on the surface see – confidant, happy go lucky, charismatic and charming, and there’s no darkness lurking underneath. I’ve been in relationships where my troubles seem to fade away and I feel genuine sustained happiness and calm and its amazing. But ultimately the minute that person starts to pull away, the darkness and insecurity and neediness returns.

I guess i’m a complicated intense person for whom very few truly understand, and whilst in my early 20s I was able to party and connect with people on far shallower levels as I’m getting older this is becoming increasingly more tricky. The way I look at the world, the way I respond to people and life situations IS intense, I can’t shake it off sometimes.

I’m a massive romantic but I hate generic romance. In fact I hate anything generic. I saw a SWATCH watch cover wrap of The Metro today targeting valentine’s victims, and I thought to myself whilst I’d love to get a SWATCH watch as a gift i’d be gutted if someone got one because an advert put the thought in their mind. That would be the opposite of romance to me.

Same applies for furniture and art. I like to get pieces that mean something to me, that tell a story, either second hand (preferable) or new but from an independent shop. I hate feeling like i’ve been sucked in or duped along with the masses. I hate to think of myself as just ‘another normal person’. So there I am bulling myself for years for NOT BEING NORMAL and yet that’s something i’d proud of about myself.

It’s possible i’ll stay unhappy so long as I continue working in advertising.

I just feel absolutely devastated that I feel like i’ve found my soul mate, and it’s a struggle to make it work because of his Aspergers. He’d probably scoff me for calling him my soulmate. Far more of a cynic than I am. I think you lose the cynicism with age, I used to be terrible. I was suspicious of everything. I just can’t work out whether its the Aspergers that’s making things tricky or if its something else. Maybe I want it more than him?

I just feel like there’s someone out there that on the one hand gets me more than anyone else in the world and vice versa, but on the other hand this very same person whom I love dearly, has no clue about what I want or need. Because my needs aren’t being met, and it’s bringing out all my darkness.

Posted in: Journal, Random