And so my heart breaks….

Posted on January 28, 2013

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“To love means to open ourselves to the negative as well as the positive – to grief, sorrow, and disappointment as well as to joy, fulfillment, and an intensity of consciousness we did not know was possible before.” — Rollo May

Last night, after much confusion and frustration and concern over my giving THE GREAT LOVE another chance to be in my life, I told him exactly how his erratic communication and unreliable behaviour makes me feel. No holds barred. The raw version.

And all I have left to show for it, is an extremely heavy heart.

And being the way he is (an Aspie, albeit an extremely high functioning one), he couldn’t have a conversation with me about it. And all I wanted was a conversation. I wanted him to scoop me up and tell me everything’s gonna be okay. But he couldn’t offer any condolence, just the words:

‘I can’t comment on that right now. I don’t know what to say to that.’

I don’t know where it came from, this sudden monologue about how being on the receiving end of his irregular communication taps into my inner darkness that makes me feel unloved and unwanted.

I had wanted to talk to him, but thought it would be more of a mutual affair. Maybe in person? After all, on Saturday night he finally texted at midnight saying he wanted to talk too. I’d been asking if we could talk all week and for various reasons we never got to catch up. I was telling him I was finding it hard, and that instead of just getting pissed off like I normally would I wanted to talk to him about it. By Friday I felt him slipping away after he said he’d call and never did, so I text asking what was in his head, and whether he wanted to keep things on hold for a bit or whether he wanted to meet up. I was tired of all the promises for things that never came, and couldn’t read between the lines to fathom whether he wanted to keep me at arms length or take the plunge and give things a go, despite him saying explicitly that he wanted to give things ago albeit slowly. I think ‘taking it slow’ to each of us means totally different things. In my world taking things slow doesn’t mean its ok to be unreliable, non-committal, flaky and blow hot & cold and generally be disrespectful of another person’s feelings. And what his behaviour does is make me pine more than I would normally. It makes me long for something I don’t have, almost like its in reach but not quite, and it sends me a bit loopy. I can control it to a certain extent but I end up having erratic mood swings, always a bit uncertain or unsure if this is the point where he’s going to disappear on me again.

So when Saturday morning came and he hadn’t replied to my message, I went into meltdown. It felt like he’d freaked out on me and was doing his thing that he does when he backs away and disappears from my life. He always tells me that what holds him back from having a relationship with me is that he freaks out and pushes me away, because to talk to me would be ‘too hurtful’, the idea suddenly seeming too overwhelming a task. For 6 years now, this issue has caused him to stop talking to me altogether on many occasions, no explanation just a cold disappearing act. It can be for 3 or 6 months. We didn’t talk for 2 years once too.

TWO YEARS.

We got into other serious relationships. And for a time there I thought i’d moved on. I envisaged a family with my  MUSIC PRODUCER boyfriend, I loved him dearly and we made a great team.

He was a lovely guy I lived with for about a year, together with for about 2 years, maybe a bit less. I have really happy memories from the relationship, he was my best friend, amazing lover and for a while there I was very happy. Although we have drifted apart now. He just ended up putting his career first and wasn’t able to give me the life I wanted, and I started to get depressed and feel insecure and then we all know how a relationship can spiral in one direction once that happens.

And after a while, post break up, THE GREAT LOVE was the first person I thought of. I had needed to understand what it had been between us, why so intense? etc and why he was still present in my mind i suppose. I never get back in touch with him with the intention of it turning into anything. Yet it always ends up back at this same place.

And i’ve always forgiven him. Because he’s the guy I love the most, and will possibly always love the most. I just can’t explain it. Such a strong intense connection across so many levels. I never stop loving him when we stop talking. And I think of him often. I might have other relationships, but a lot of the time they don’t go anywhere because they’re not him. That intensity is like a drug, its so addictive. We really could be so good together, if you just take our head spaces out the equation. DAMN DEAL BREAKER. And ultimately every time in the past, he disappears on me, and I have to grieve his loss again and again. Then relive the fear when we’re back in each other’s lives that he’s going to disappear again.

I think this would be hard on anyone. But unfortunately because there’s a history of abandonment in my own life, he triggers something in me and I relive this horrendous dark pain from when I was a child and I was sent away from home. And it’s really fucking horrible to go through.

And I told him this.

Last night on the phone.

And it was awkward, and horrible and as soon as my monologue had ended and there was silence at the end of the phone all I could think of was FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK what have I done?!?! I suddenly felt like i’d just put all my shit on him, and made him feel responsible for all my darkness and I realised i’d probably just done the wrong thing, that there might have been a better way I could communicate what goes on in my head and my heart.

Especially when he couldn’t comment.

And I couldn’t let him off the phone. I suddenly felt like a little girl again and I needed to cling on, I couldn’t hang up the phone. You know that horrible breaking up feeling you get when the person you love doesn’t love you anymore? I was feeling that in intense waves and I didn’t feel in control, I felt exposed and vulnerable.

There’s a chance I’ll never hear from him again.

There’s a chance I will hear from him again.

I don’t know which will be for the best. How bad is that?

And all I can do is process whether this is something I want in my life, put it in its box, and crack on. I am proud, and relieved a little bit too, that I said the truth about how I feel.

I ONLY SAID THE TRUTH, after all.

The Truth, my friends, is what his blog is all about. Standing up for who you are, worts an’ all, no fear or shame about the truth of what lurks inside.

Sadly though, I don’t think we could ever have a relationship. Not right now. If we encounter such problems BEFORE we ever even get together, what will it be like when we face REAL problems? The nightmare of kids? Long term fidelity? Breaking up?

His headspaces will always come first before any relationship with me. It’s like MUSIC PRODUCER all over again, only replacing his career for headspace. And I don’t want to be anybody’s No2 or No3, I wanna be someone’s No1!

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And let’s be real here, i’m not asking from anyone anything more than any other normal human being. I just want love, and to be loved. And I want someone to recognise my needs, make sure they’re met, have the desire to make me happy, the ability to compromise and reason, and ultimately respect and protect me. And love me for who I am. I might suffer from depression, but it doesn’t define me. And it only rears its ugly head when my needs aren’t being met.

I know all the answers, I know the reality that’s being presented here.

But boy, does it fucking suck.

It more than sucks.

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Posted in: Journal, Random, The Truth