It’s no wonder straight women become gay

Posted on January 30, 2013

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Letting go of what your heart wants because its the wise and sensible thing to do makes me feel strong but reflective. Why do I love this person who can’t have a relationship with me? Its truly, the most frustrating emotion a person could ever experience. Some people aren’t put on this planet to love anyone more – or other – than themselves. Some people are put here to inspire others to be better. Watching my boss do his Ted X Talks talk earlier on YouTube made me realise that. But of course people aren’t put here for any other reason than biology, and sometimes, as far as romance goes, chemistry gets in the way and makes you question the meaning of it all.

I was telling THE GREAT LOVE how I feel. And I got spoken to like an annoying maid. I came away from that conversation feeling partially broken, like a submissive fool. Now? I feel like I’m being shown someone’s colours, and I don’t think they’re painting a pretty picture.

My ex, MUSIC PRODUCER was kind, loyal and respectful. He changed his behaviour to make me happy and to keep me. And by behaviour I only mean being frequently late for dates, and a bit slack as a boyfriend. And I was still sizing him up. I wasn’t trying to change him, just wasn’t prepared to put up with any shit. In time I respected the way he respected me. He wasn’t unattainable, but was chilled, relaxed, unpushy and I felt calm and sane throughout the courtship. Like I could sense his inner peace and it felt good.

Being inspired to be a better person is key to a loving relationship isn’t it. Doing everything in your power to protect them, be there for them and ultimately be a really strong team.

Today I was chatting to an incredible looking guy from POF who wanted some ‘fun’. Kinky, filthy and covered in tats this guy was just what I needed. An uncompilcated mercy jump out of celibacy and back into the fire. And this how inspired I ended up – after chatting all day, including sending photos to each other, and arranging to meet next Tuesday he then text:
“One of my main rules is you can’t text at the weekend”.
Jeeze.

And then when I politely told him where to go, he said (and I quote):

“I would have been the best date you ever had, pof or otherwise”

What drugs has he been smoking!? His poor girlfriend. That’s all I’m saying. He should be outed. Is there a website where you can out cheating guys who are masquerading on POF?

So, so far this year its Jan 30th and I’ve been back in the world of the living for 30days and I’ve managed to reconsider an old flame (THE GREAT LOVE), I’ve been on one date (MMA GUY), I nearly submitted myself to a cheating mysoginist, and I’ve been chatting on whatsapp to a 29yr old Brixton lad called BON on a nearly daily basis. But we’ve not met yet. Also JAMES, who I met at a party in bournemouth in 2004 popped up on fb saying he had a dream about me and it wasn’t a sexy dream, we were just sat on a bench. And it made him think of me. Me and James have a weird thing. We’ve never got together, he’s a nice guy. And I never like nice guys. He’s just not my type but has masses of appeal. But he’s unavailable right now as he’s launched his own business in Poole and commuting every weekend. So I told him he better sort his shit out soon or I might not be available.

It’s weird being back in the world of relationships. I felt more cocooned and relaxed when I wasn’t, and therapy was my friend and my duvet was my lover. But equally life is meant to be lived eh.

I’m sure eventually I’ll get the combination right of respectful, emotionally mature, chilled, open minded, honest, slightly wrong side of the tracks but intelligent with high values system and masses of integrity. Whether this person exists or not though, remains to be seen….

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Posted in: Journal, Random