Frank Ocean, conquests, sausages and high times

Posted on January 31, 2013


I’ve got a blog crush.

I’m engrossed with Not So Sex And The City’s blog, and it has been pulling me through some pretty shady times recently. I originally started my blog in November last year, to share the truth of my experiences of depression, and to comfort myself as well and show other’s that they’re not alone.

Sometimes though, I’m just really fucking bored with going on about being fucked up. And since it’s relationships that can make you feel blue on the most part (like when you find yourself listening to Frank Ocean at 2am like I am tonight) I’ve found myself veering more in the direction of writing about dating & relationships.

I can’t imagine it’s stuff anyone would wanna read though. Unlike NSSATC’s blog which is hilarious – its inspiring reading because she just gets up and carry’s on. That girl is having fun. And she likes her sex! She always manages to find the titilating and lighthearted way to look at life. But I was like that in my mid-20s too.

Does this little thing called life just get harder when we get older?

One of her posts is a list of all the people she’s slept with, well, the one’s she remembers. Which is a bit like me – i’m hitting around the 40 mark and I don’t remember them all either. But perhaps reflecting back on them all might help me understand how I got to where I am – single, 33, and nearing a year since I had sex. With my ex. Ouch. And extremely irritated I managed to fuck things up with THE GREAT LOVE after only 3 weeks of being back in touch with each other, especially where we had the best kissing situation going on only a few weeks ago and some intimacy, of the best kind, was well and truly on the cards.

So yeh. How do I know i’ve been with around 40 people? Well, I’m pretty sure a few years back I counted and got somewhere near there, so you just make a stab don’t you. But either way, let me try and pull something together :

1. The Pratt. That was his surname anyway. I’m 14. He’s 15. He was my first proper boyfriend, like where we did stuff. We did everything but. I wanted to go the whole distance but he ‘wasn’t ready’. Swift dumping on my part, sadly for him.

2. Darren. Lived just down the road. Loved making out with him. We went out for about 3 months when I was at school. He has slicked back gelled hair and wore a bomber jacket. In our 20s I heard that he’d been working as an escort. The night were gonna ‘do it’ and lose our virginity’s together I got caught by my parents lying about where I was, meaning the deed never got done.

3. The Mechanic. I’m 16, he’s 19. He was blond and cute and I met him at a rave and fancied him straight away. We’re high on pills. I remember the date exactly – 17th November. Or the 16th. 1995. I’ve had two boyfriends since who’s birthdays are on those days. And I lose my v on a sofa bed at my best mate’s house party. He split the condom. We stopped. I threw up.

2. The Joyrider. I’m 16 still, it’s a few months later. I fancy the pants of this stunning guy with green eyes who drives a red Vauxhall Nova and had a Pete Tong tape that I liked, back when Pete Tong was cool. We did it in his car, in the woods one night. I asked him to smoke brown with me, but he wouldn’t let me. I really wanted to try it. I was offended and thought he didn’t think I was cool enough to do it. The next time we were gonna meet he stood me up.

3. Drug dealer squatter. I’m 15, he’s 28. Low moment.

4. My first love. We waited three months before we slept together. I don’t even remember the sex being all that special, but we did it in a playground once at the pub, and in various outdoors locations. He was the first person to go down on me and I remember that first feeling of melting. We were together three years, until I stopped fancying him.

5. Someone in Ibiza, i’m 18.

6. Maltese guy. Met in a club in Bournemouth. He had a chain around his neck with the name Hannah on it. His girlfriend. I convinced him to sleep with me I was that drunk. It was awful.

7. I Can’t Get You Out of My Head. I started fancying this guy when Kylie’s song was in the charts. I was so into him. We were together for about 9 months. Best sex I had ever had (at that point). He cheated on me about five times, probably more. We carried on sleeping with each other on and off for 7 years until our final hurrah in 2010 when we had a threesome with my mate at my Halloween party where I was dressed as raped bride.

8. First Girl. Queen’s Silver Jubilee. Dressed as school girls as we celebrated end of uni. Hot.

9. Blue eyes. Met in the queue to a gig. He was stunning. Narrow penis though, so narrow I didn’t wanna touch it. Freaked me out. I made him wank off in front of me and he said it was the hottest thing he’d ever done. We never hooked up again though.

10 – 15. High Times. Can’t remember them very well.

16. My Tsunami Romance. Met him in Thailand on boxing day 2004. Shit shag, but we clung onto each other jaded and stressed post survival of the biggest natural disaster known to man, valium coarsing through our veins. Turned out he had a girlfriend back home, bit awkward when I ran into them in Brixton all going to the same Chemical Brothers gig a few months later. Still friends on facebook to this day. Ended up having weird phone sex a few times once he’d split with his girlf.

17. NYE sausage boy. I freaked this one out. He was damn cute. Another high time, NYE mid 2000s. I was in a mixed up place at the time. I was probably his shitted shag. I tried to make up for it by cooking sausages the next morning, but I ended up leaving them on a plate on my bed whilst I sat in my lounge drinking wine with my best mate getting on it again. Never heard from him again.

18. THE GREAT LOVE. I’m 27. You know most of the history. What can I say? This person will always get me sexually. End of.

19. Mr Cayman. I screw, on more than one occasion, MR CAYMAN. This is the hottest person on the island that I was living on at the time. We did it several times, in his car the night I met him, at my place on more than one occasion. There was no love there. Not really any like. Just pheramones.

20. NEW BOY. New to the island. And i’m horny. So he gets it. Awful hangover the next day, and he asks for a lift to work and I tell him to get a cab. Doesn’t go down very well.

21. Beauty Queen & the lawyer. We’re in a threesome scenario.

22. My secret crush. She’s my beautician. She’s angry at her boyfriend one night.

23. BAD GIRL. She’s lovely really. But her boyfriend is asleep in the room upstairs whilst we get it on quite agressively on the kitchen floor.

24. Younger brother. Of my mate’s fella. He’s like 21. I’m 27. Weird sex. I’ve blanked it out, but only remember him saying ‘I NEEEEEEED YOU’ over and over. Then he sneaks out whilst i’m in the shower without saying goodbye. But adds me on facebook later? Awkward.

25. Great ONS! Fucked in a club, me and a mate start making out, then make out with him and his mate. I take one of the boys home. We fuck. It’s great. We’re just really high. In the morning he leaves and say thanks and don’t even ask for each other’s numbers. Feels liberating. Good sex AND no desire to meet up again.

26. DIRTY BED GUY. Amazing good seeing to but really dirty sheets. Like there was brown stuff. What IS that?! Really liked him actually though. We spent the weekend together after getting high in a club. Then he ruined it by getting my number off a mate, calling me up (and i’m thinking, yay you wanna ask me out!) only he says ‘I reckon you ought to take the morning after pill hun, just in case).

27. BOYFRIEND. Another NYE conquest. But this one’s a keeper. I’m 28. Nervous sex though. Got better with practice mind you, and amazing penis. I loved sucking that damn thing. He was going to let me screw him and everything. Shame I ruined it by getting it on with one of my mates, I was gutted about that I was.

28. Probably worth mentioning THE GREAT LOVE here, since he reappeared a small handful of times throughout the late 2000s until I met my ex-boyfriend. I’ve never had more fantasies about anyone in my life, the potential between us is so incredibly great that we never get to fulfill the potential unfortunately. He’s kinky and dark and twisted and really gets under my skin. I don’t really have dominating fantasies about anyone except for this guy. I want to own him. Control him. I want him to be mine in every conceivable way. I feel a bit spiritual about this one. Kinkiest person I know. Very frustrating. Just thinking about him makes my lady bits growl. Very few have that effect on me, including….

29. EX-BOYFRIEND. Amazing, best sex ever. Was really into this guy. Loved him deeply, but in a way I couldn’t compare to THE GREAT LOVE, because it was more balanced and real and based on trust and a sort of grown up love. So it was making love really. I felt like what we had was tactile and physically connected more than anyone I’ve ever met.

So there must be a good couple of handfuls of boyfriends or people i’ve spent the night or shorter moments, with and i’ve forgotten. Hurrah! Am sure they’ll all come back to me. But secretly i’m really hoping they don’t?

Just remembered another one! How could I forget this one?!

30. THE VIRGIN. We’re at a zombie march. He’s covered in fake blood. I can only make out intense blue eyes and dark hair. We kiss hotly without having spoken to each other. I take him home. I’m 28. Turns out he’s 18 and it’s his FIRST TIME. Wow. I put him in the shower and show him a fucking good time.

And this!

31. THE MARINE. We meet on Adult Friend Finder. He’s in the marines and is really cute. He books a hotel, I turn up in role play as an escort dressed as a school girl, and he is my headmaster. We hang out a couple of times, there’s lots of baby oil involved and as soon as it started to feel nice and he started to read me his poetry I called it off.

Oh yehh…

32. Bloke from work. He lived round the corner. It was convenient. I actually quite liked him but I wasn’t properly in touch with who I was back then so probably fucked it up or something.

33. THE SUBMISSIVE DOM. We never fully fucked but played around a lot and became friends. He always had really weird breath. A known Dom on the London fetish scene he had a naughty secret – he wanted to train me up so he could submit to me. I got him to come round and clean my house in the buff once.

Posted in: Journal, Journeys, Random