Get out of jail free

Posted on February 2, 2013

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Am lying awake, it’s gone 3am and I can’t sleep. All I can think about is the week I’ve had, the most draining I’ve had in a really long time. It started with me telling THE GREAT LOVE how I feel, that I really love him and see a future for us, but my darker headspaces are getting in the way because I can’t handle his hot and cold behaviour. He didn’t know how to respond, he said he needed to process it all and I’ve not spoken to him since.

My best friend’s mum also has terminal cancer. This is bothering me greatly.

My mum’s been stressing out about the sale of their overseas flat, and she wants me to get on a plane to her homeland and help her sort it out. I offered of course, but dealing with her panic and strain has only added to mine.

My flatmate was also ill all week with norovirus. I wasn’t able to do much for her unfortunately.

The final nail in the coffin came in the form of the project I work on, which has lost its funding, and now we’re all going through the redundancy process. It’s a project that’s been a part of my life for over two years and I feel sadder about it than I thought I would. Today I received my official redundancy letter.

But out of everything, as sad as these things are, they’re out my control. It’s my situation with THE GREAT LOVE that’s on my mind. I can’t help but wander if there’s anything that can be done to salvage it. I don’t know if we’re done, if it’s over for good this time, if he just needs space, or whether he’s actually someone I should be avoiding at all costs. I told him some fairly hurtful things, stuff you can’t take back – like how I feel like I’m in a lose-lose situation with him… that whenever he comes back into my life and then pulls away it sends me to a pretty dark place. The latter is only the truth but I know him well enough to imagine he’s probably taken it pretty hard. When you know how badly you’re hurting someone, the immediate response it to get the fuck out right? For me it would be to try and talk my way into helping that person feel better, but his way of dealing with things is to run and hide.

We’re always quite connected when we first hook back up, honest how we feel and everything feels right. Like there’s hope and promise. It’s good. I didn’t wanna speak to him for a few weeks after our night out the other week to try and not rush into anything, but waking up to his message after my operation was lovely and I just had this intense desire to see him.

I know I probably sound a bit needy – but I was in a pretty vulnerable place looking back and I just wanted THE GREAT LOVE to come and look after me a bit. I don’t really find it easy asking for help, it takes quite a lot for me to put myself out there. He’s said a few times in the last year that he wanted to look after me and be there for me. And I always believe him when he says it. Him then not turning up was a pretty harsh thing, especially whilst I’m laid up in bed. I’m no princess though and I didn’t get arsy about it.

When we come back into each other’s lives, we always do this thing where we’re thinking and reacting without thought or concern of consequence, and it feels the way it’s supposed to be – but then it always and really quickly turns into him wanting space, not keeping arrangements and his communication becoming more sporadic… anyone in their right mind would think he’s just not interested right? Or doesn’t really know what he wants? Believe me, I’ve been through all this a million times.

And when that happens instead of getting angry like I used to, I’ve been internalising my feelings… but in doing so I’ve not been true to what’s going on in my head. Which is screaming at me telling me that something’s up. Only I’m telling myself that’s just me being insecure and I’m trying to ignore it, but it won’t go away. It’s like I have this internal struggle where my gut is telling me something’s not quite right, my heart wants to rush straight in, and my head is trying to keep everything rational and sane but feels like its pushing water uphill.

So yeh – most of the time when he pulls away, instead of making a thing of it I just leave him to it and move on. I might love him greatly but I also know when someone doesn’t wanna be with me. Even when he’s telling me otherwise. Insisting I’m wrong even. I mean fuck! It’s so fuckin hard to believe someone who can’t back their words up with actions, but imagine what it’s like when you also do feel they’re telling the truth and believe them, and have to push your gut feelings away, even though you are someone who believes you should trust your gut.

Time passes. Then he comes back. Weeks, months… days even. I’ll be convinced I won’t hear from him again, and then he pops up. I get a ‘hey’. An ‘I miss you’ or a ‘can we talk.’ And it always makes me feel a secret peace that he’s reconnected but a slight sense of reservation about whether that’s something I want back in my life. I’ve challenged him over the years now on every conceivable angle for why he acts like this and not once has he ever admitted to being those things. He makes out I couldn’t be further from the truth, he talks about his headspaces, how it complicates things, makes it hard for him to have a relationship with me because he’s scared of fucking it up.

When reconnecting, I only really approach it in a platonic sense – I tend to get to a place where I’m like ‘no freakin way would I ever have a relationship with him!’ but then we meet and I’m like gah! I still have feelings! Sometimes I feel in control of them and sometimes I don’t. Recently I let myself go as I was going into hospital and I just wanted to live for the moment. And we were physical in way that words can’t really describe. And it made me fall for him all over again, totally weak to my sensibilities.

Right now? Part of me just wants to hang out and leave the big stuff at the door for a while, I miss him you know. The other part just wants someone to scoop me up and be in a bubble with me for a while and the other bit just wants the way I feel about him to disappear so I’m no longer left vulnerable to feeling rejected and confused.

I’m not stupid though – and my feelings are very real, on both sides of the coin, the light and the shade. He tells me I’m wonderful, that his headspaces are never anything to do with me, that it’s never because he doesn’t feel greatly for me, that he loves me. Only he doesn’t act like he loves me does he.

So you get to a place where you remember you can only be responsible for the way you feel. You accept you can only control who you let in your life, and your own responses to the actions of those around you. People will always do whatever they want to do – and if someone’s natural response is to run toward me and then immediately back away from me – and in six year’s nothing’s changed, then it most probably never will. And I care about him too much to just sit by and wait for him to be ready to be normal with me.

I can keep letting THE GREAT LOVE into my life but I have to take responsibility therefore when I’m feeling hurt again.

I was telling someone about this situation earlier today and she said ‘6 years? That’s nearly a life sentence’.

Now I just need a get out of jail free.

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Posted in: Journal, The Truth