Moi Bien

Posted on February 4, 2013


Isn’t it amazing when you are down in the pit, that place you can’t help but go to sometimes (and then you hate yourself for it) and someone calls you up out the blue and says ‘Let’s go out!’

And instead of feeling the way you usually would you think to yourself, ‘Yeh! That’s exactly what I need – perfect’.

That happened to me on Saturday night with a girl who to be honest I barely knew, and by the end of the night I had shifted from a shitty place to one of epic clarity style proportions. And it felt good. Am still buzzing from our conversation now, actually.

And no drugs!

Let’s call her NATTY. Natty is someone I knew when I lived in the caribbean. She worked for a big law firm that I played netball for, she wasn’t the best player in the world but was always a good laugh and came with a good energy. One time we all went to Miami for a big tournament where we had to play teams that had Jamaica national team members in – it’s no wonder we came last! First of all, we weren’t that good. Second of all, we did really fucking amazingly to come last, as we did it with dignity. Like only 1 point below the second to last team – much better than being totally rinsed. I remember the feeling of being in goal and having all these american style ‘bleachers’ around the court full of people cheering, cussing (and booing). Was like being in a US school drama. Utterly terrifying. NATTY was there and after the game we all went out and got smashed, and I remember being hungover the next day and somehow we managed to win the uniform parade – yup you read that right, THE UNIFORM PARADE. Cracks me up thinking about it. I’d said to the girls, ‘Ok so we’ve got the worst uniform in the world, and we’re probably going to lose the tournament – let’s just walk tall and proud, give a massive fucking sexual smile to the judges and distract them from noticing our lame orange skirts!’.

And we won.


Massive jokes.

I wish I could post up a photo… kind of takes the anonymity out of this blog though doesn’t it. We looked awful though, and that’s not modesty, we genuinely looked really fucking awful. Our trainers didn’t even match.

Our skirts weren’t even naughtily short. They were knee length. Honest to god this uniform was like something nuns would wear. Imagine a bunch of 7 nuns playing netball in orange and white.

Uh. huh.

Or maybe that’s why we won? Perhaps the judges were extreme methodists?

So me and NATTY met up Saturday night and by the end of the night I was so totally in love with her! We put the world to rights  – and righted it – having been through a lot of the same wrongs at roughly the same time. Natty made me realise why i’m so obsessed and heart broken about THE GREAT LOVE and why I keep giving it a chance even though its always doomed to failure. And you know what? I started that morning feeling rubbish about him, really heavy hearted and forbidding, all forlorn and broken (definitely a pity party in my bed that day) – and after one evening with Natty I felt more calm and grounded and self aware than any therapy session I’ve ever had! And all it cost me was 5 pints of strawberry beer. And I got to drink the beer. WIN / WIN!

And by the end of the night I had a bit of a girl crush on her too. She is FIT! Curvy brunette with puppy dog eyes and a sense of inner confidance that is really sexy.

Funny timing, because on Friday night I was out with another friend who I don’t actually know very well either, but we’d bonded one night in the pub after work when we both realised we were connected by Thailand and the Tsunami. We went out to lunch on Friday, after I’d just heard that my role is being made redundant at work and I was in a ‘fuck it i’m having a glass of wine’ mood, which now i’m in my 30s I rarely do in the week so I was def in a rebellious mood; and it turns out this friend of mine, let’s call her ALLIE, is gay. GAY!

This is amazing to me because a) she’s absolutely gorgeous, really feminine and such a charismatic person  and I so totally would if I could and b) I just hadn’t picked up on this – and i’ve known her about six months. I’d secretly fancied her the whole time but just never thought anything of it because, well, you just don’t do you. I meet fit girls all the time and have secret crushes but never do anything about it – when I was younger I would have got pissed and come onto whoever I fancied, and a few times I did that and they were girls and straight they got weirded out (*blushes*)! So I just don’t do shit like that anymore, unless it just HAPPENS. Which sometimes it does. And it’s great (*swoon*). But there usually has to be alcohol or drugs involved, and since I don’t really go out as much any more and I definitely don’t do drugs, then well – naturally the WELL goes dry.

So me and ALLIE are in the bar on Friday lunchtime and one drink turns into six and I’ve not gone back to work and its already past home time, and we’re telling each other all about our love lives and our dreams and wishes and bonding like nobody’s business. She’s just met the love of her life and wants to move abroad to be with her. So whilst ALLIE is out of bounds, it got me thinking about how much I would so totally go there with her and it rekindled this gayness in me that’s always been there but hasn’t been activated in a really long time.

So the next day, Saturday, I logged onto POF and switched my profile to:


And i’ve been chatting to some gorgeous ladies on there it must be said! Hopefully a few dates to recall over the coming weeks.

And then I went out with NATTY that night.

All this just made me realise what a big world there is out there to explore, and how these romantic notions we get caught up in about ‘the one’ or ‘that special someone’ or ‘The Great Love’ are all bullshit! We have long lives ahead of us, a great capacity to love many – not just one, and equally the tenacity to keep looking for love in the wrong places out of fear our time is going to run out and we’ll end up lonely and dying alone.

I’m 33, so naturally the body clock ticks silently, even though I look 27/28 and am pretty youthful in the way I conduct myself but I DO want to spend my life with someone, be part of a team at this little fucking thing call life, and have a level of security and depth to my relationships that is nurturing, evolving, growing, stimulating and a whole bunch of other words ending in ING!

THE GREAT LOVE and I do have something unique and special, and I will always cherish it. I hope in many ways we’ll always have it, and have random little periods of our lives where we get to fulfill our potential – even if its just a really great night – but we will always be moving along a different thread. We’re in different life stages, his awareness is by default much less than mine and it will always take him longer to work out why things are so hard between us than it does me, meaning he will always do my head in as my needs are greater than what he can offer. His priorities – at age 26 – quite naturally, and who can blame him really, are different to mine. His pace is SLOW. Mine is FAST. Doesn’t mean he’s not a great guy or that I won’t always have a place for him in my heart (and fuck it will be so damn hard kissing goodbye to the next-level sex I was anticipating would be coming my way shortly) but now that I’ve realised he’s not the ONLY ONE i’ll ever feel like that about, all that shit that i’ve been going crazy about and obsessing over in this here blog has just lifted.

I just want something more! And I’m not afraid to shout it to the rooftops! I want someone to analyse the world and all the people in it WITH me, not be the cause of whirlwind of mind dramas that I have to then go and figure out via the help of therapists and friends.

And maybe that person comes in the perky package of a pretty girl? After all, there are an awful lot out there *flutters eyelashes*

Moi Bien.

Posted in: Journal, Random