Redundancy ‘n’ Tings

Posted on February 5, 2013

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Today was my last full day at work. Was in back to back meetings and didn’t even have time to sort out a handover. My boss convinced me not to go silently though so I’ll do a bigger send off in a few weeks. It’s convenient because i’ll be where FIT GUY from POF lives, heehee.

Def have mixed feelings around what’s happened in the last few weeks. I feel like I’ve lost my job, lost any hope of something happening with THE GREAT LOVE and literally lost some parts of my knee from where they drilled through it! Why does everything always come in threes?

But I’ve gained stuff too. Three days in a row last week were spent with three amaaazing women, where I explored spirituality, buddhism, the art of happiness, sex and relationships and why sometimes what you want isn’t what you always get.

And sometimes what you get isn’t what you wanted! But isn’t that part of the mystery and surprise?

So I’ve gained new friendships, new ideas about where I want my life to go, new perspectives on why people do the things they do and some focus on my own wants and needs. Its been progressive.

Loving someone greatly, who can’t/won’t/doesn’t make you happy is just tough titties to li’l ole me. Doesn’t mean the world’s gonna end, that the time won’t be right one day or that I’m going to end up lonely and alone.

Me and the great love perhaps needed this reconnection and subsequent fall out to learn more about ourselves, so we could be more at peace with the way we feel. Either way, telling him the truth about how I feel was the best thing I could have done. His response hasn’t been what I wanted, but I’ve only been true to myself and what with everything i’ve been through this past three months it’s really important I’m honest with people about how I feel. I’ve spent too many years being afraid of rejection and bottling things up.

Bringing it back to redundancy, which is a forced situation out your control, i’ve realised how similar it is to going through a break up. At first the decision, the process – it makes total sense, you can see how its not gonna work… In the case of my work there’s no more funding, so my salary doesn’t exist, there’s no way to pay me. The first sign that it’s happening in an adrenaline filled drama. Then you feel sad about it when you realise its actually happening, sentimental even. You remember the good times, special moments, achievements and memories you’ll treasure forever. Not forgetting the hopes and goals you all once shared, to be no longer. Then anger sets in. It doesn’t last, to make room again for sadness but it lingers as you try to make sense of it all and fight the feelings you have around why you weren’t fought for.

Then acceptance sets in. After all, it is what it is right?

As I start to prepare for the next phase in my life, isn’t it funny how so many people from my past came back into it. Not only THE GREAT LOVE, The Guy Who Really Loved Me; his best mate, the ex-boyfriend and the one who I let slip through my fingers.

And with that came new people – NATTY, ALLIE and the potential of me exploring more of my spirituality through KERRY, a girl I met recently through my voluntary work. And to top it off, FIT GUY FROM POF didn’t scoff when I told him I couldn’t meet him as I had meditation class tomorrow night. In fact he said ‘that’s really cool’, whereas GREAT LOVE scoffed at me a bit on the phone about my main coping mechanism for depression, almost like that seemed a bit extreme, or maybe he was disapproving because I was placing something in a higher power that he doesn’t believe exists. But what better higher power than your own self, I say. And anyone who meditates or has meditated will know what I mean. I am my own god, and if u believe what Mystic Moon said in Oct, a goddess.

Rah.

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Posted in: Journal, Random