Mean what you do, do what you say

Posted on February 10, 2013

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I’ve got a terrible case of the serious fear. Next week I have the biggest job interview of my life and i’m utterly terrified.

I don’t usually get like this. My blog name is Trier Equals Winner, right? And i’ve always pretty much been a trier. I put myself out there. I’m confidant, a risk taker, a bit of a bullshitter – or as I former boss said to me last week, able to spin anything – and well, I fight for the things I want. I can hustle hard when I wanna.

Sometimes my headspaces hold me back from being 100% forthright, particularly in times of extreme stress and tension! I’ve been known to shy away from flirting with someone in case I make a fool of myself, but ultimately, i’m a trier.

So in the name of trying, I applied for a job I honestly never thought i’d get shortlisted for. One the one hand, it’s my dream job. And on the other hand, it would be such a culture shock i’m not convinced i’d necessarilly enjoy it. But it would be an important, influential opportunity to make genuine and very real change that improves people’s lives.

When applying, I realised I really wanted this job so I dug deep and I got a bit creative with the truth – not because that experience isn’t genuine, but I was perhaps referring to projects my company had done rather than projects i’d directly worked on myself. Trier equals winner, right?

When I got shortlisted I laughed out loud on my own in my flat for a while. I literally could not believe it.

Literally.

Why so terrified I hear you cry? It’s my dream job and i’m obviously a massive bullshitter and a successful one at that!

But I’ll let you into a little secret my dear readers…

I have been really suffering from nerves recently.

I had an interview for a well known newspaper last month. I’ve always wanted to work there, I stormed my first interview, and in the second interview it was so in the bag. Until I started to get nervous. It was like this little voice in my head said “You don’t belong here. You’re not good enough. They’re gonna see straight through you”.

And as soon as that voice kicked in, it was like I was having an out of body experience. I couldn’t think straight, in fact I had no thoughts to claim as my own whatsoever. I couldn’t hear the questions they were asking me. I couldn’t get my words out. My voice was trembling. It was really excrutiating and highly embaressing. I’ve never experienced anything like it.

I put it down to my emotional breakdown of last year, burning out in November and slipping into a dark depression in December. I just wasn’t ready.

But walking back into a redundancy scenario in Jan after my knee operation resulted in me being proactive in the job search, and suddenly i’ve found myself in back to back interviews all week. I’ve already had two – both at charities. But i’m not interested in going into business development I don’t think. It’s sales, and I think after the last year i’ve had I don’t want to subject myself to the knock on effect that comes with being ‘a success’ or ‘valued’ based on the numbers you’re putting on a board.

Next week I have three really exciting interviews, of which one is a lunch – so I’m really not worried about that, another is slightly out my comfort zone but it will be fine, and then there’s my wednesday bad boy. It’s so far from the types of environment I’m used to, where I could be in charge of millions of pounds worth of government marketing budget, i’ve got serious heeby jeebies. It’s not that I can’t do the job, it’s not that i’m nothing other than charming in interviews, or professional; it’s that I have this subconscious ability to get really really nervous and when it happens its disabling. I’m almost so certain i’ll be obviously really nervous that i’ve been looking at flights to Africa! Hey look – if I find a really good deal and it just happens to be on Tuesday night, what’s a gal to do?!

Shiiiiiiit.

This lack of self confidance obviously stems from somewhere. I’m too hard on myself to be perfect. I always default to the negative on pretty much everything, even though I am regularly having arguments with that in my head. And I guess you could argue that things fucked up AGAIN with THE GREAT LOVE recently, and i’ve been feeling pretty rejected by that situation when all I was doing in the first place was reaching out to make some sort of peace with it. And it backfired.

But you gotta be in it to win it right? And if I chicken out for an easier ride of it, then I know i’ll hate myself even more for never going.

I’m just really really scared.

And it’s so totally unlike me.

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Posted in: Journal