MINI RANT II

Posted on February 15, 2013

3



Dear Not-So-Great-Love

I don’t understand what game you’re playing, but yet again i’m unable to sleep and you’ve entered into my subconscious in the way that only you do – and i’m really angry with you.

What makes you think you can just pick me up and put me back down whenever you feel like it? My emotions are real, and whilst you may not believe them because of your own low self esteem,  they very much are real and have been for a really long time. And yet this repeated pattern of pick me up, play with me, get me to open up to you and tell you how I felt then drop me and ignore me has been going on far too long now. I only let you back in every time because I give you the benefit of the doubt and am trying to process what this attraction is and use it to my advantage in terms of my own personal growth – but what are YOU playing at with it? What’s your goal?

By your own self admission yesterday you said you’d been avoiding me, yet despite that there have been weekly text messages checking in on me. So I didn’t think you were avoiding me actually, I was just waiting for you to be ready to talk to me.

Then it feels, coincidentally (or not coincidentally) that on Valentine’s day ‘you’re ready to talk’ and it comes loaded with ‘so long as we can make out’ as you ‘have missed that’.

This feels so teenage! And manipulative!

It sounds like making out is the thing you miss the most about me, and yes! I know! We have great making out! BUT – there are bigger issues that need to be resolved here. We can’t fix our problems with sex, because I certainly am not interested in acting like i’m 25 again and whilst I know you’re only 26, i’ve laid my heart on the line here. Three weeks ago, or whenever it was (not counting – genuinely not) I said some pretty ‘big’ things… like I loved you. That whenever you ignore me, or disrespect me by making plans and not seeing them through etc, that these things all hurt me and make me feel raw abandonment pain from my childhood. This is big stuff. I know I overshared but I never planned to say it, it just all came out and I had no control over it. And believe me, I am working on this in therapy.

But note that – I am working on this in therapy. What are you working on? Anything? Do you even have the remote intention to work on your issues and failings? Because that thing you do when you rush in and make me feel like we’re entering into the start of something GREAT, and then run away almost immediately, is NOT NORMAL.

You described this process yesterday as:

‘I’m just being normal, and you gallop off into the sunset’

Which quite frankly really fucking pisses me off – I’m always controlling what I say, think and do so I don’t get carried away and I try my damned hardest to be breezy even though I shouldn’t have to! And so what! Sometimes I get carried away and allow myself to look forward to seeing you and I wanna see you straight away again and talk every other day – why the fuck am I treated like that’s not normal!

I’m really starting to feel like you’re a douchebag and i’m irritated and horny sat here thinking about how badly I wanna argue this one out with you and then fuck it out afterwards, and i’m annoyed with myself for feeling this way because emotions are running high. It annoys me so much that you have this way of drilling straight through and winding me up like this, and I lose all sense of reality again; even though I have enough reality still inside me at present to know that something just aint right about this situation.

Something aint quite right.

When someone tells you how they feel, you’re supposed to tread really carefully around it and try and protect them – there’s no protection here, just messages that scream ‘i’m horny’ – and you may not even realise you’re doing it, this is how fucked up this situation is I think.

Yours,

Me

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Posted in: Journal