Shitty Valentine…

Posted on February 15, 2013

3



Hmm. Valentine’s Day.

It’s a Clinton Card marketing campaign right? Someone once said ‘we need to sell more cards!’ and a genius replied ‘let’s create a day that celebrate’s love.’ And so every one in the land realised they could get away with being shit to their loved ones all year round, so long as on that ‘special day’ they were able to deliver the goods, with help from their friend Mr Tesco and Mrs M&S.

My Valentine this year, let’s call him say – THE GREAT LOVE (or NOT SO GREAT LOVE as he’s increasingly becoming in my head) popped up on skype with some seemingly useful work related solutions since i’ve been recently been left short of a full time job, and to begin with I felt happy to hear from him, albeit slightly reserved given our current status of ‘it’s complicated’. It’s not even complicated. It’s not happening. Although he keeps re-appearing and won’t leave me alone. Three weeks ago I told him how his bizarre behaviour and erratic communication was DOING MY HEAD IN, slightly more politely than that mind you – and I didn’t really hear from him since. I sort of did, in spits and starts, but not in a meaty way of any sorts. He’d text the other day saying ‘We still need to talk don’t we’ and within a day i’d replied, only for four days to pass before I heard from him.

To be honest, whilst previously I’d thought he might have been something special in my life, and over the 6 years we’ve know each other i’ve swung massively from ‘he’s a joker’ to ‘shit I really love him’ – I’d start thinking a bit more seriously about what I really really want… and whilst despite all the teenage angst and mutual frustration, I do genuinely deeply care about him. But it often feels like he has this weird hold over me. I always used to think of him in more a ‘the one’ sense, ignoring all the other stuff and putting it down to us just not being ready for anything serious with each other. But now, I kinda started to see it differently. AKA, that it was all starting to feel a bit bullshit and ridiculous – after all, relationships just don’t need to be this complicated do they.

So earlier today we chatted on skype for a while… and actually you know what, it got really infuriating. And I just feel like I wanted to share my infuriation with you all. Because one minute it seems like he’s redeemable, and the next he’s acting like an idiot. And now i’ve had a few hours to sit on it and mull over it, i’m kind of pissed off and actually really ready to tell him where to fucking go.

So below is our conversation, and then thoughts I wish I had the balls to actually share. Would love to know if you think i’m insane for keeping giving him a chance or if you think i’ve over-reacting.

[2/14/2013 10:13:41 AM] BJ: I just remembered that XXXXX exists and that you should work there.
[2/14/2013 10:13:54 AM] BJ: Would suit you down to the ground
[2/14/2013 10:13:54 AM] BJ: xx
[2/14/2013 3:02:02 PM] Me: I know them yeh
[2/14/2013 3:02:29 PM] BJ: you were looking for a youth agency weren’t you? well there it.
[2/14/2013 3:02:30 PM] Me: funny, because i’m doing lunch tomorrow with the founder of a start up creative agency who works with XXXX
[2/14/2013 3:02:38 PM] BJ: perfect.
[2/14/2013 3:03:15 PM] Me: did you get my text the other day?
[2/14/2013 3:03:29 PM] BJ: yeah I replied to you earlier.
[2/14/2013 3:03:31 PM] Me: i’m across a few different phones at the moment
[2/14/2013 3:03:47 PM] Me: oh I didn’t see it
[2/14/2013 3:04:10 PM] Me: How do you know about XXXXX btw?
[2/14/2013 3:04:35 PM] BJ: an old work colleague of mine raves about them and I just remembered.
[2/14/2013 3:04:49 PM] Me: ahhhh
[2/14/2013 3:04:51 PM] Me: cool
[2/14/2013 3:08:11 PM] Me: you alright anyway? what’s going on
[2/14/2013 3:08:24 PM] BJ: I’m not well, but fluey.
[2/14/2013 3:08:27 PM] BJ: I’ve been avoiding you a bit.
[2/14/2013 3:08:29 PM] BJ: obviously
[2/14/2013 3:08:45 PM] Me: I hadn’t noticed?
[2/14/2013 3:08:48 PM] BJ: Not entirely unjustifiably I think though…
[2/14/2013 3:11:55 PM] Me: I massively freaked out, didn’t handle it very well, then massively overshared.
[2/14/2013 3:12:18 PM] BJ: well yeah, but better that than you not sharing at all.
[2/14/2013 3:14:01 PM] Me: I shouldn’t have asked you to come round just after my op – it put me in a vulnerable position coz I was relying on you
[2/14/2013 3:14:20 PM] BJ: that was my fault and I’m sorry.
[2/14/2013 3:14:23 PM] BJ: can we hang out soon please?
[2/14/2013 3:15:04 PM] Me: do you feel like we have lots of ‘stuff’ that keeps stopping us from just being normal? do you think we can be normal?
[2/14/2013 3:15:23 PM] BJ: if by ‘stuff’ you mean ‘our own neuroses’, then yes.
[2/14/2013 3:15:58 PM] BJ: I think we can. we’ll be ok.
[2/14/2013 3:16:57 PM] Me: everytime we get close – it feels like you then really quickly pull away though, which is what confuses things for me
[2/14/2013 3:17:31 PM] BJ: that’s a question of perspective; I go at a normal speed whilst you gallop off into the sunset
[2/14/2013 3:18:09 PM] BJ: (I really like that metaphor)
[2/14/2013 3:18:45 PM] Me: hahaha
[2/14/2013 3:19:09 PM] Me: well we can thrash this one out face to face I guess
[2/14/2013 3:19:22 PM] BJ: yeah. only if we can make out a bit too because I miss doing that.
[2/14/2013 3:21:39 PM] Me: I don’t know how to answer that
[2/14/2013 3:21:46 PM] BJ: you don’t have to.
[2/14/2013 3:21:46 PM] BJ: x
[2/14/2013 3:26:59 PM] Me: Quick question – what was the name of that adopt a cat place you once mentioned to me in greenwich?
[2/14/2013 3:27:49 PM] BJ: Burmesecatsociety.co.uk
[2/14/2013 3:27:52 PM] BJ: if you like burmese
[2/14/2013 3:27:56 PM] BJ: the have a rehoming list
[2/14/2013 3:28:03 PM] Me: wicked
[2/14/2013 3:28:10 PM] Me: love em
[2/14/2013 3:28:15 PM] BJ: me too
[2/14/2013 3:28:36 PM] Me: I think I need a furry friend in my life
[2/14/2013 3:28:40 PM] BJ: me too
[2/14/2013 3:28:48 PM] BJ: just don’t call it any of my three names and we’re all good
[2/14/2013 3:29:03 PM] Me: I don’t remember your three names i’m afraid
[2/14/2013 3:29:23 PM] BJ: Fidel Catstro, Moggie Thatcher and Macatma Gandhi
[2/14/2013 3:29:32 PM] Me: hahaha, yes that’s right I remember now
[2/14/2013 3:29:41 PM] Me: i’ll probably come up with something way more lame
[2/14/2013 3:30:41 PM] Me: but to be honest, I can’t come up with a name until I look into its eyes. then i’ll know.
[2/14/2013 3:30:51 PM] BJ: Ha fine. ok.
[2/14/2013 4:12:22 PM] Me: By the way, getting a final word in here… I might ride off into the sunset but you do not go at normal speed. Not in the slightest!
[2/14/2013 4:12:35 PM] BJ: haha that’s not the final word.
[2/14/2013 4:12:49 PM] Me: no?
[2/14/2013 4:12:57 PM] BJ: not even slightly.
[2/14/2013 4:13:00 PM] Me: hah
[2/14/2013 4:17:03 PM] Me: You make me wanna have an argument and then fuck you
[2/14/2013 4:17:19 PM] BJ: haha its entirely reciprocated. lets do both of those things.
[2/14/2013 4:17:31 PM] Me: you’re such a fucker
[2/14/2013 4:17:45 PM] BJ: you’re such a nob!
[2/14/2013 4:17:50 PM] Me: Wow.
[2/14/2013 4:18:10 PM] BJ: you just called me a fucker, and you’re offended by me calling you a nob?!
[2/14/2013 4:18:19 PM] BJ: take a moment to think about that for a second.
[2/14/2013 4:18:37 PM] Me: fucker suggests some sort of machivalian element.. Nob is just childish
[2/14/2013 4:18:56 PM] BJ: WHATEVER! that’s ludicrous.
[2/14/2013 4:21:18 PM] Me: You should be taking that as a compliment! Fucker is way better than nob
[2/14/2013 4:28:03 PM] BJ: yeah yeah yeah x
[2/14/2013 4:28:25 PM] Me: xx
[2/14/2013 4:28:33 PM] Me: missed you xx
[2/14/2013 4:59:49 PM] Me: Just one more thing – please maybe have a think about why I might find things a bit confusing with you… you know, like just today with you admitting you’ve been avoiding me, and then later saying you wanna hang out/make out… as technically these are two rather contradictory things.

And that’s it. No further correspondance.

So here’s what I really wanted to say…. (and stopped myself)

Just one more thing – please maybe have a think about why I might find things a bit confusing with you… you know, like just today with you admitting you’ve been avoiding me, and then later saying you wanna hang out/make out… as technically these are two rather contradictory things. I get that you don’t know how to process what I said the other week, and I get that it was heavy – but I was in a good place till I started to feel let down and disrespected, and I don’t think I’m high maintenance I just want the same things anyone wants. Think about it – by your own admission you’ve stipulated you hold me at arms length ‘because it’s me’. Which in turn is a hard thing to get my head around. Do you really hold me at arms length ‘because its me?’ or are you excusing behaviour that’s ‘just you’ coz otherwise I don’t really know how to interpret that… it makes me question what it is about me, that makes you not wanna meet up regularly and just simply have a healthy relationship.

And after several glasses of wine later…. (and wrote this blog post instead)

And actually you know what? You know how I feel, and I think you’re taking advantage actually. Telling me i’m always riding off into the sunset… that’s an awful thing to say. All I’ve ever done is care and want a normal relationship with you, but you’re seemingly unable to give it. And we always end up in this place where I tell you how I feel and I’m the one left to pick up the pieces. I shouldn’t be in situation where I say how I feel, and you ‘avoid’ me for a few weeks. That’s not a great sign. And it’s not what I want. Far from it. So you might think about me from time to time, and you might linger on how great it feels when we’re together but ultimately you don’t want this, or else you’d be running toward it. I shouldn’t have said ‘missed you’ earlier, that was impulsive and whilst I meant it, I’ll always miss you but you alway create  a situation where that works to your advantage and it’s not a game I wanna play. I’ve spent the last few weeks moving on, and whilst I was happy to chat and got slightly pulled in to your thing and felt that tension between us again, as we always both do, I really don’t want this to develop in any way. You’re always pushing me away, then changing your mind, knowing how I feel throughout the whole thing – and its massively unfair. I think one day you’ll be in a different head space and realise how bad this situation is. It’s really not that great BJ.

So… am I crazy? Am I deluded? Wasting my time? I think the answer is ‘yes’ to all those things, but unfortunately i’m trapped in this web of uncertainty and all I can think about is the way it feels when we’re together and that 5% window when things are actually great between us. 

I KNOW ALL OF THIS IS BAD. BUT FOR SOME REASON I JUST CAN’T HELP BUT WANT HIM.

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Posted in: Journal