This aint love, its craziness

Posted on February 15, 2013



1. We agreed our situation is bizzare and a bit crazy, but mutually said ‘I love you’. The feeling of letting go of the past and just existing in a way that felt natural was hedonistic and there was an element of zen about the whole thing that felt different, almost like this was the time we were going to make it work. And we both were on that page, and expressed that verbally.

2. We agreed we wouldn’t turn it into this big thing and overwhelm ourselves, just take each day at a time. I told him not to contact me for a few weeks until my operation was out the way. But he text that night wishing me luck, and we text for the next day or so pretty constantly saying how lovely it was to see each other and how we were glad we were back in each other’s lives – and ultimately how different everything feels this time.

3. After my operation I said on the phone, screw waiting a few weeks to meet up, let’s do it sooner – and you agreed.

4. We made plans for you to come round my place the following weekend. I’d said I was lining people up so I wasn’t on my own for the first week whilst I was doped up and in pain. We were both excited, and this was expressed on skype the Thursday before in a ‘one more day to go’ sorta sense.

5. On the day you were supposed to come round you text that morning to say if you couldn’t make it that night, you’d come the next day – it hadn’t been mentioned before, but you said you were house hunting. No apologies, just breezy but it seemed genuine and I suppose fair enough. You were giving me warning, and I could respect that even though a voice crept in that said you weren’t going to come. I said cool.

6. The next day, I didn’t hear from you at all. I text to say ‘If you think we’re rushing things, let’s slow it down, it’s okay’

7. You tell me on skype later that evening that your phone ran outta battery hence no contact, but say I might have a point, that it might be good for us to take things a bit more slowly. I don’t really have any choice but to agree. I probably do actually agree at this stage because there’s nothing wrong with taking things slow – its just its being disrespectful that bothers me.

8. You say you’ll call me later – but never do. And this is when I start to get a bit irritated but try not to let it show.

9. Twice the next week you say you’re gonna call, but again, don’t. We exchange a few texts.

10. Later that week you call after work and apologise for not calling and i’m fine with that – I understand, house hunting can be stressful and its obviously a priority. You ask if i’m around later for a proper chat. as you’re about to get on a train – but never call me back.

11. On Friday I text and say ‘so what’s going, are we gonna meet up soon or do you just wanna keep chatting for now?’ You don’t reply.

12. By Saturday i’m thinking ‘ah here we go – it’s happening all over again’. I imagine you’ve freaked yourself out and are going to start pushing me away very soon. I work myself up into a bit of a tizzy, and spiral into a dark hole. I call that morning and leave you a voicemail just saying that I’m freaking out a bit, but it can probably all be easily resolved just by chatting.

13. By the evening I have text a bunch of stuff that I never send, and eventually around midnight simply just send ‘you ok?’.

13. You reply straight away saying ‘Sorry, phone’s been off as needed time to think – am ok, miss you’ or words to that effect.

14. I reply asking what’s up, and make some assumptions about him freaking out as much as I have and said that it’s funny how we seem to both have the same issues but deal with them in such different ways.

15. He replies instantly saying ‘I know, but we’ll be okay. I do want to talk to you about it tho, not in a negative way, but will be good to talk’

16. I reply and say ‘now? am wide awake.’ but don’t get a reply.

17. I call the next day in the afternoon and leave a voice mail. I’m thinking its time we address this stuff as its just really not that normal or healthy and i’m a bit worried by this point about the fact that the day before I was in a black hole over it – and whilst those are my issues, and my fear of abandonment is my thing, I still felt like he needed to understand how I respond to his erratic communication. Especially as when we initially met and talked we said we needed to be more open about our neuroses so we can understand each other better.

18. He calls me back that evening when I’m watching The Iron Lady (ironic given how quickly I crumble), we chat for 20mins about random stuff then he asks me about my freak out, and I candidly tell him everything – to which he replies: I don’t know to process that.

19. He says he’ll need time and that he simply just can’t comment on everything i’ve said because his brain doesn’t work like mine.

20. Three weeks pass. In that time i’ve sent an email, a skype message and a couple of texts trying to connect with him on this issue – I knew he needed space but I’m not someone that can just disappear on a person, especially when emotions are involved. He didn’t always reply and in the end I just left him alone.

21. The last few weeks he’s helped me a bit brainstorming my job hunt, but the communication isn’t always seen right through to any conclusion, i’m left hanging – and this time I just didn’t care. In my head it was over. This isn’t a person I want to have a relationship with.

22. I started therapy again because I recognise I have unresolved issues, and start to understand that his issues are his issues and its up to me whether I want to let myself get caught in the crossfire. I’m pretty much over it in my head.

23. Earlier this week he drops me a text ‘we still need to talk’ – I reply a day or two later saying that i’m ill and it might have to wait a while.

23. Valentine’s day – not necessarily relevent what day it is but its Thursday and he chats to me about work stuff on skype and then asks if we can hang out soon. I get angry, and now its 6am on Friday and i’m wide awake after not getting much sleep and feel erratic emotions and mood swings about this. Read that conversation here.

24. I contemplate the best way to handle this situation – ignore him and cut him out, FOR GOOD this time. Tell him how I feel on email (but he always twists it so suddenly I’m the one that’s done something wrong) or meet face to face and more gently approach it, appealing to his rationality and goodness.

Posted in: Journal