Its better to respond than react… Part 1

Posted on February 17, 2013



Now that a few days have passed since I felt like I wanted to tell THE GREAT LOVE that I never wanna speak to him ever again (aka REACTING – out of frustration mostly – read about it HERE); I am able to see things differently. Over the last few days I have been angry and if you had read my last few posts you’ll know why (‘Shitty Valentine’. I have no idea whether any of it makes any sense to the outside world but I can imagine that on the one hand to some people I probably sound mega over reactionary and to others you possibly sympathise/empathise. After all I am on the receiving end of someone with aspergers, and I have my own issues. Saying its “not always easy” is an understatement.

But I suppose I didn’t start writing this blog for affirmations, it’s about out having an outlet for my emotions as they happen… Which means there will be a mix of the irate and angry plus all the useful hindsight stuff that comes in the days and weeks following.

So anyone reading this now and wondering I keep putting myself in this situation – after all, as most of friends would say:” just stop talking to him. He’s a time waster!” I’m at a stage now where I know that’s just not going to happen. And I’ll tell you why.

This is about more than lust, obsession, or love even. Course, it goes without saying I really really care about him. Sure, I want us to find a way to be ‘normal’ together, as friends or otherwise. And I am genuinely open to the dynamic even though there are times when I long for the feel of his touch in ways that lovers can. But the way I feel about him is greater than needing a relationship, wanting an amazing fuck or stimulating conversation. Even though basic human urges can totally kick in and overwhelm me sometime.

Hey I’m only human!

But it’s probably fair to say that on a selfish level this relationship challenges me and makes me understand myself better. I go to a place that other people don’t stimulate me to go to, and even though its tough sometimes i’m being challenged, and the clarity and strength I get when I’m in a good place is increasing with every week that goes by. But don’t get me wrong, a large percentage of the time I’m questioning what I’m doing and think this situation is crazy. It makes me feel like i’m going crazy. The hours consumed by it over six years probably is a little crazy, but if you don’t dedicate yourself to working yourself out then what is the point, right? And, as mention justnow I have these genius moments of clarity where I feel I see myself, the world, him and us in this whole other next level light and I realise the path we’re on, and if you believe this stuff, I realise the destiny it’s designed to have. It might not be that our destiny is to be together but our destiny is most certainly one hundred percent to be to learn more about ourselves and better happier in the end as a result. And I don’t believe in destiny so this is kind of a bullshit theory, but fuck it, he makes me believe things I normally wouldn’t because of the powerful the energy between us.

This energy that comes from deep within each of THE GREAT LOVE and myself when we’re in each other’s lives, and actually sometime’s absent from it, means everything is amplified. In laymans terms – the highs really high and the lows are super low. Like really intensely. We push and push toward and against each other at lightning speed letting our neuroses overwhelm and control us, whilst we struggle and push our way through them and occasionally come out the other side with more knowledge and understanding and ability to communicate effectively about it. But we don’t always get it right, so its an uphill slog of fairly epic proportions. For me at least, anyway. And after six years of pride, stubbornness, insecurity and pretty much every other kind of negative emotion that is a reaction to his erratic behaviour, it’s only now that i’m really starting to see this for what it is, and from both sides – his and mine.

Response Vs Reactionary Strategy

What’s got me here? I think it’s because I’ve started working to a response strategy instead of a reactionary one. I’m realising that my gut reactions are based on my unresolved childhood issues, and when I take time to respond I am seeing things really differently.

So as much as I have been complaining that THE GREAT LOVE runs towards me and then runs away, I have realised I have been doing the same thing. When I told him we shouldn’t talk for two weeks after we initially met back up and then got carried away and invited him to mine for the weekend only a few days later when I was feeling vulnerable after my operation and wanted to be looked after. Running towards him. When I told him on the phone the other week how he makes me feel really insecure (‘And so my heart breaks’), I was offloading because I needed to share the burden with him, and at the same time I was pushing him away when I said “I don’t know if I can do this”. Or feeling like I wanna tell him at 4am when I can’t sleep that he’s wasting my time and tormenting me, feeling in that moment extremely convicted by how I feel. In the olden days I would react on this gut feeling, only now a little voice says ‘just leave it till tomorrow. See if you feel the same then’. And invariably I wake up and feel completely differently about it.

Yeh sure, it’s annoying when someone doesn’t work to the same rules you do, and I can only put Aspergers down as an explanation for this this although I could be wrong… but either way it’s still annoying when someone frequently doesn’t keep to plans, call you back when they say they will and purposefully ignore you sometimes to push you away. These things really test my patience. I think it would anyone. But what I’m guilty of doing in the past is telling myself that I’m being played for a fool, that he doesn’t really want me that much, that its all game playing and I’m on the receiving end of someone who doesn’t really know what he wants even though he says the complete opposite. I’ve just always taken it really personally and let it tap into my insecurities. But that’s highlighted to me my insecurities and now i’m exploring them.


Posted in: Journal, The Truth