Chasing True Love instead of Romantic Love…

Posted on March 2, 2013

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Throughout the more adult years of my life i’ve found myself always being attracted to people in reactionary and often contradictory ways – if I come out of an unstable tempestuous affair I immediately find myself being drawn to calm, safer options. Or when I recognise that something’s not going to work with someone I really care about, I usually walk away from it really quickly and then spend ages pining after the person I’ve never been able to see anything through with (THE GREAT LOVE).

Actually there are no patterns to my love life – every relationship has been really different and there are always quite big gaps in between them as I generally take a while to process break ups and heal from them.

But it has become clear to me is that there are two types of love – romantic love (intensely passionate, dream-like, tempestuous and slightly fearful) and true love (based on deep feelings grown over time). My MUSIC PRODUCER EX was a bit of both, but the way it started came firmly from a reaction to me getting over THE GREAT LOVE, back in 2009. MUSIC PRODUCER had a calmness to him that made me feel calm. We had a hot physical chemistry that meant our sex life was incredible and we didn’t even have to do much to spice things up. It was purely tactile, about skin on skin, exploration and deep connection and as we grew to love each other over time based on a mutual respect for each other that connection only grew deeper. We made love, we didn’t fuck. Although obviously occasionally there’s always a need to fuck. But we didn’t argue, so make up sex wasn’t really a part of our repertoire.

THE GREAT LOVE is called just that on this blog because it really is the greatest thing i’ve ever felt for another human being. Both for its ‘great’ potential, unfulfilled potential that is, and for the way I feel when we are physically in contact, and the way I feel when we’re no longer in each other’s lives.

For whatever reason (that is a bit beyond my understanding) he doesn’t always treat me the way I should be or deserve to be if this greatness was mutually reciprocated. But what happens when we are in the same room at the  same time is other worldly. It’s magnetic, uncontrollable and filled with much love and desire that it’s utterly possible this only happens once in your life. But there’s a less than attractive side to it – we bring out each other’s dark sides and the whole situation comes with a vulnerability that makes me the opposite of calm and rational. And it’s so mentally consuming that it can’t be right, it’s not healthy, and it hurts. The way he responds to my insecurity that comes out, even though I try to control it and shield him from it, causes him to treat me in ways that only heighten it. And on top of that, his interaction trends are significantly different to mine – so when he makes plans with me and doesn’t keep them – he isn’t aware of the effect that has on me. And for me I feel incredibly let down and abandoned. It’s a strong word, but that’s exactly how I feel. I wouldn’t tolerate that from anyone in the early days of dating, especially when the communication isn’t handled appropriately. It gives the message that he’s just not that into me, which isn’t true. So it’s a hard one to digest. Repeatedly.

The other night I went on a date with the antidote to all of this. Let’s call him NEVER DATED BEFORE GUY. By that I mean, he is the sort of person I have never dated before. He’s got a normal job in computing. He’s 34, from middle England, really normal – or so he seems thus far – and just totally different to anyone I have ever dated. Mature, considerate, he actually text to confirm at the beginning of the week AND on the morning of the date!

NEVER DATED BEFORE GUY walked into the cocktail bar he’d chosen for us to meet in, and straight away I was like ‘woah, you’re quite fit!’. I was genuinely pleasantly surprised. This date hadn’t been about fancying him. It had been solely about being treated like a lady and not being caught up in all this negative insecure drama that i’ve been pulled into this past month.

And I fancied him.

Yes!

The conversation wasn’t anything amazingly special. And i’m probably someone who connects with people on deep levels, i’m not afraid to go straight into the serious stuff on a first date – but in this case whilst I can’t even remember massively what we talked about, I felt calm. I fancied him, there were some silences between the conversation but they weren’t awkward, and someone always eventually found something to say or ask. I never felt like I was racking my brain, I wasn’t nervous. And I liked it. He was interesting enough to hold my interest, and we talked about our first impressions of each other which created a bit of a bond – I told him that I thought he might take a while to properly get to know, which he said was true. And on the tube escalators he started to take the piss a bit (warmed up by the absinth cocktail he was drinking I suspect) and I saw glimpses of someone that I might really grow to like. It left me intrigued to know more..

It reminded me of when I met MUSIC PRODUCER. In the early days we were exactly like that, and what led me to greatly loving him with all my heart was the fact that the more we hung out and got to know each other, the more surprises I discovered, and the more I grew to like him.

If you fall in love with someone on the first date (aka GREAT LOVE) then you’ve hit a dizzying height very early on, and the likelihood of where you go next is potentially subject to dizzying disappointment. That’s why romantic love never lasts. And the great romantics often only have a broken heart and pages of poetry and writing to show for it.

Romantic love is amazing, it makes you feel alive that’s for sure. But I think true love is where it’s at. Get it right, and it will also be romantic, but coming from a secure place rather than a narcissistic one.

Will keep you posted…

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Posted in: Journal