Today, I am a winner.

Posted on April 8, 2013


Reason i’ve not blogged in a while, is because I was overcoming the exhaustion of ‘trying’ – trying to kick start my new career, trying to catch up with friends, trying to put myself out there in the dating scene again, and trying to make peace with myself over my various mental ills and relationship pains. I’d recently had a minor falling out with a good friend, even though it felt like a massive bust up at the time it wasn’t really, just the airing of some cobwebs… but that and the usual ridonkulous un-necessarily aggressive barney with my family over stupid (but actually underlyingly important things like not feeling like i’m being taken seriously) were giving me grief and taking up all my head space; and even though I wanted to write and talk about what was going on, I just simply never go around to it.

So just now I thought I would do a quick update so that I get back into the flow of doing this.

Because today I felt like a winner.

I dunno why really. Nothing major happened. But I felt in a good mood. Almost happy, I’d say. This is rare.

I was making in-roads professionally. I am becoming a networker extraordinare.

What I mean by this, is that people were emailing me back. Hah. But my diary is getting full. With really good meetings, with really good people. I am excited to be taking my new project out to market to see what business I might come back with. It’s exciting because its meaningful. It sorta helps change the world. I am proud of myself for being in this place. I am patting myself on the back whilst I consider treating myself to a three fingered massage.

I was having a laugh with my new boss earlier. He wants us to throw a party to celebrate his new venture being one year old in May. I like party planning. I am a winner when it comes to party planning. I am quite happy to be bold and say, I generally have quite good ideas when it comes to parties. I am a party planner extraordinare, and if I didn’t work in social innovation (rah, check me) I would be planning people’s alternative weddings and franchising my own brand of sex parties.

I was also a winner today because I was in such a damn happy mood that when I came home and my flatmate had drunk all 3/4s of my leftover bottle of wine, it didn’t bother me one tiny bit. Not even a flinch. Not a single butt clench.

I’ve been ‘seeing’ this guy, Jeremy, very loosely speaking – we’ve been on small handful, of baby size dates recently. But I just text him to ask him what he thinks we’ve actually got in common. He was my antidote. The guy who calls when he says he’s gonna call. The bloke who checks in before you’ve even started to miss him, who confirms the date three days in advance and even in the morning of the day. The one you’ll never have to worry about, who’ll never hurt you. Because you probably don’t even really like him all that much. Nice guy, but really dull. Quite fancied him. A little bit. Not much but enough. Nice kisser. But not very forthcoming. Not a massive go-getter. Bit shy. Bit intimidated. Bit nervous, actually. Not much to say.

Shit man, i’m surprised it even went as far as it did.

But he was the anti-dote. After so much lameness in my love life, and so much boycotting of a love life in general and for so long, I really did try to change up the game. Try something new. Something so far removed from the type of guy I usually go for, in the hope that trying something new might make me a dating winner.

We met on match.

Where I was going to earn my £30 fee back in booze and food.

I still haven’t broken even.

I secretly knew deep down it was doomed when I asked him about what sort of music he was into on our first date, and he replied by saying that he wasn’t really into music all that much but liked listening to radio1, and recently heard Muse for the first time.

And I suppose I couldn’t get past that. That, and him not being very forthcoming at the bar. Or having yet to have bought me dinner. Which isn’t really the problem i’m just digging around picking holes. He just didn’t really all that much to say. Even though I think it might have been a bit of nerves. Or just not having all that much to say. Hmm.

I’ve been chatting to this guy off the Killing Kittens website. For those that don’t know, Killing Kittens run sex parties in hotels and various schmancy places for what they describe as the ‘sexual elite’. It’s a glam affair, you wear masks, get dressed up, and – well – if you’re lucky, fuck. Single girls get in for £50, couples £150. It’s cheaper than an escort, so its a no brainer if you’re approaching one year since you got laid and you’re as dry as a namibian well in a sandstorm.

In my case, I like to describe my experience less crudely and more as ‘having a mele’. The word ‘mele’ sounds exotic and soft, and well, it really does sound more appropriate to my KK experience because it really was quite beautiful. Lots of bodies, skin on skin, kissing multiple people and never really knowing who you’re kissing versus who’s touching you between your legs, or stroking the back of your head etc, and I had a more explicit awareness at the time I suppose of what was going on – especially with one particularly lovely blond that I was quite taken with – but as I think back to it, it’s all a hazy sort of dream. A blend of bodies, and stockings, and kisses, and skin and softness and masks and lingerie that begged to be opened.

So that was fun.

So I’ve been talking to this really interesting guy on the Killing Kittens website and I have that rare feeling one has I suppose when they meet someone online, and a lot of boxes are being ticked and there’s a natural chemistry that’s hard to find both online and in the real world, so it all seems rather exciting and you tell yourself that even if you don’t fancy each other it’s cool because you might become really good friends.

So i’m a winner because of that today too, as he gave me his number earlier and I have a feeling I’m going to like him. He’s in good shape, has some interesting looking body art, has good taste in music, he works in human rights law and is a policy maker for government and well, that’s just damn fucking sexy isn’t it.

*drum roll*

I also spoke to THE GREAT LOVE today.

After I was with Jeremy on Saturday night, and I kissed him for the first time and it was really nice, I really enjoyed it actually and for a moment I forgot all my doubts… I was walking home on a bit of a high eating chips from the kebab shop and I suddenly had this massive wave of sadness come over me and this feeling of missing THE GREAT LOVE that caused my eyes to well up a little bit.

I know you’re probably thinking, ‘oh here we go again not this bloke again’ – but before you switch off, let me explain why today I am a winner as far as THE GREAT LOVE is concerned.

Today I am a winner because a little piece of my heart closed off to THE GREAT LOVE. Not because I don’t love him as much as I used to, or because i’m being defensive and protecting my heart. I think my heart closed off to him because i’ve grown up this past few months. I’ve learned so much about my insecurities and why he triggers so much pain in me when he lets me down, that I’m no longer placing my happiness in his hands. I am in control of my own happiness, and I am recognising how overly sensitive I am around him, and how much I actually am in control of how and when I get hurt – and I feel hugely empowered. I see it more for what it is. Having just had two arguments with people I deeply care about and the resulting emotion being ‘fuck off I don’t want to talk to you for a while’ I’ve realised an inner confidance emerge from within me that didn’t used to be there. Arguments use to break me down. I’d apologise even if I didn’t think it was my fault to keep the peace, and i’d fret for days agonising over it. Realising that brushing difficult convos under the carpet and forgetting about stuff and not talking about it, can sometimes actually be the better option. Cowardly maybe, but easier? YES.

After my therapist pointed out how THE GREAT LOVE represents the abandonment of my own mother to me when I was a child when I was sent away from home; how unavailable she was to me emotionally throughout my life, and how much she always would tell me to ‘stop’ (playing up, talking, crying, voicing how I feel in general) I realised how much of my supressed pain was making its way out of my sub-conscious through the medium of THE GREAT LOVE. His every move was triggering all this rejection and abandonment inside of me, and what I was feeling was raw and intense and it was making me go crazy. I became a crazy, neurotic, pain in the ass and I didn’t know what voices to trust. Now, I’m not making excuses for him – he IS annoying with his variable communication style and unreliable nature – but it doesn’t make him the ultimate asshole, the way I often describe him in my head. Other people act the same way he does in my life, but I don’t go all crazy bitch on them.

I think we’ll always be united by this incredible bond that neither of us can explain and every time we do this thing that we do, well I can’t talk for him right now, but I can talk for myself – I grow. In spades.

Being a winner for me today, was about being in control of my emotions. And about being the person i’ve always wanted to be.





It can’t be more truthful than that.


Posted in: Journal