My therapist said ‘and have you ever thought he’s possibly a bit of a dickhead?’

Posted on May 5, 2013

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dick-head-haircutYes yes yes, we can all try and do the right thing.

And if you’ve been following my story about this guy who I’ve kinda had a bit of a love thing with, you’re probably hoping i’ve just let him go. Knowing, following the regaling of my tales about him, that he’s not ‘the one’.

After all, its easy to see that when you’re looking at it from the outside in right?

And I suppose i’ve always known this deep down if I really asked myself this question – besides the times when I was totally behind the idea of it. Which in the last 6 years, is probably a good 3 to 4 actually. Maybe bit more.

We all do this though don’t we.

We have our fall backs.

The grass is greener guys. Or gals.

The one who got away.

The person we never could quite have.

There is something magical and mystical about the person who never let us in, but who seemingly promised us the world.

And we keep opening up those doors, in the hope they offer the solution but they never do because the problem is, they’re not the solution to our problems.

I’ve been going on this amazing journey recently, aided by therapy and spirituality too I suppose, I got my confidance back, I see my self worth, I feel more respect for myself more than I ever have and I know what I deserve from a relationship. By healing the pain from my childhood, i’m gaining more love for myself – a love I used to seek previously in all the wrong places, caught in this hamster wheel, chasing and chasing something that was never going to come.

And with The Great Love, I was ignoring his bad behaviour, unreliability, rudeness, disrespect and broken promises with the ultimate of excuses – Aspergers.

And maybe, that’s a good excuse.

Maybe, he’s not even anywhere near the start of his own journey yet.

But this week, regardless of any of that, The Great Love has proven what he a dick head he can be.

Uncalled for, shere dickheadness. Or youth, I suppose. Why be mean? Youth, fueled by insecurities, unresolved issues and general ‘not there yet’ ness.

But I tell you what readers, it’s SO refreshing to see it for what it is.

And why was he a dick head? (no denying, he was still a dickhead)

Admittedly I might be giving mixed signals – but given the circumstances, I think i’m allowed to. Because he’s like the apple and I’m Eve.

But I decided to do the right thing though. I told him it wasn’t a good idea that we hang out this weekend. And he threw a strop about it. A passive aggressive one no less, but a strop all the same.

I see you boi.

I see through you, and its like you can tell that I’m moving on, and its like you don’t like it.

But its not good enough just to be talking to me.

Throwing tantrums at me on skype because of silly little things that aren’t even worth mentioning on here.

I’ve not had an apology. NOT ONE APOLOGY.

And you left me just after I’d had an operation.

You were a shit friend.

We’ve STILL never had THAT chat. Despite me asking for it, several times. And you saying you wanted to have it.

It’s all lies.

And yet you wanted to go out raving, and get shitted together?

Nothing about this situation says to me THE GREAT LOVE.

Shit love.

No love.

Not for me, love.

I suppose there’s a part of me that knows deep down that getting shitted together was his way of rebonding, probably being able to HAVE THAT TALK, to communicate and fix things.

But i’m a grown up. I can do these things without the help of class As.

And I want a grown up too.

[ends]

NB. My therapist never said ‘do you possibly think he’s a bit of a dickhead?’. She used the word asshole.

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Posted in: Journal, The Truth