Just as I start to move on…

Posted on June 19, 2013

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…THE GREAT LOVE, gets back in touch. It was nice to talk to him, really nice; but it left me with so many unanswered questions, answers that i’ve sorta been waiting to hear for over six months.

So I wrote him this letter. I’m a twat really, I do know it.

Dear GREAT LOVE

You have the funniest way of doing things that really annoy me. Yet here we are, six years later still thinking about each other. Missing each other. Wanting to see each other.

Last time we spoke, you were distant. And now you say you want to hang out.

It’s like you like the idea of it, and it makes you feel better to know if I am up for seeing you too, that it is reciprocated – and that in itself is enough for you. You get your fix. There’s no rejection there.

This time when I challenge you on it asking ‘why, if you want to see me, do you always act the complete opposite? Why do you come on all heavy, tell me you love me, that you keep fucking it up, that you’re scared you’re gonna keep fucking it up, but make plans with me, talk about a future with me, write yourself into MY future. Then disappear come the day?’

You tell me ‘this is the ultimate question to which I don’t have the answers’.

Earlier this year, we were excited about finally making it work this time. Then you went and bailed on me when I was laid up in bed, following my operation, and I had told my mum to go home to middle England so I could have the house to myself all weekend. Well, myself – and you. I was too proud to tell you this, but I couldn’t walk. So all weekend I was in bed alone, depressed, in pain, vulnerable as fuck. And ultimately, rejected again by you. That is the absolute behaviour of someone who doesn’t really love you. And yet you still tell me you love me.

You tell me you perpetually want to see me.

You get frustrated on the phone, I can hear it in your voice. Is this your aspergers? Or is this you just being afraid?

So why see me now, I wander? Could it be because the ultimate commitment phobe has a get out? That all said though, I know deep down the likelihood of you pursuing a hangout or meet up with me is slim. You’ll over think it. You’ll talk yourself out of it.

Whimsy, is one of your strong suits.

How many times have we been in this situation? You like the chase, and when you get what you want you immediately back off.

So I feel slightly broken. Tired. Fed up of this situation. I love you, more than I ever have or possibly ever will a person. I don’t understand why you are this way and I am constantly arguing with myself about what I do with my feelings about you, and what you must feel for me. But you only ever really leave me with the one choice – and I have to tell myself constantly to move on and get over you. I try and I try and I try.

But really, it never goes away. It might fade in and out, but all it takes is you getting in touch – like you did on Monday – and my barometer swings again.

You said you don’t know why you’re telling me that you’re leaving the UK, when you’ve not told anyone else yet – but that you felt compelled to.

And I know exactly how you feel.

That’s how I felt before I had my operation.

It’s how I feel everytime I see you on skype and I decide fuck it, despite everything, i’m going to say hi.

I feel like this is something that’s never going to go away, space and time doesn’t seem to do its usual trick of creating distance. Sometimes I wander if it’s just not the right time, that maybe you’ll grow up or something, or we’ll simply just get older, wiser and more emotionally in control, or risk averse.

But then the other part of me thinks that deep down, you just don’t really want it all that much. You just don’t really want me. And I don’t know whether it’s because i’m wise or insecure, that I truly believe that sometimes.

It’s logical to believe this too. I see how this is all so wrong. That i’m worth more. That i’m deserving of being properly loved and treated nicely.

I think about all the work i’m doing on myself to be emotionally better, more secure, more confidant and happy and I wander if you could ever make me happy, and I don’t think you could. You’ll always have this ability to just leave, walk away, ignore my calls and disappear when we’ve made plans. Or i’ll be living in fear of it. And what sort of life is that for a girl?

So should we hang out before you leave the country to live in San Francisco?
I don’t think so.
Even if things worked out between us you’re then going to go and leave. That doesn’t sound fun to me.
Should we meet up when I go travelling next year and oddly I was planning to go to San Francisco to see my travelling buddy from Fiji?
Maybe. Who can say.
But do I have any guarantees that when you say ‘come stay with me! I’ll show you around!’, like you did on the phone, that it will actually happen?
No, of course not.

This is just a fucked up situation.

I love someone I can’t have, and in the cruelest way too.
We are addicted to each other.
We can’t let go.

And your comfort zone is to get me close, then push me away before I can hurt you.

You abandon me before I can abandon you.

What you are doing is deeply subconscious. The way you are behaving is just as subconscious as the needy feelings you bring out in me, which I’m dealing with in therapy at the moment, following an abandonment which stems back to when I was a child too.

But who am I to tell you what your problems are. You need to work it out for yourself.

It’s long, it’s complicated but its very very real, sadly.

I wish I could help you.

I care about you.

But your life is your own journey, and you need to work things out for yourself.

xx
I wrote this yesterday to THE GREAT LOVE. I will never send it.
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Posted in: Journal