I’m sorry dear readers, for my little step backwards.

Posted on June 23, 2013


But i’m back on track again.

A minor blip let’s call it. Hey – before you judge, it’s no different to someone who gave up smoking but then has a cheeky fag when no one’s looking. Right?

And actually I am quite pleased with the way I handled things when they got out of hand again. It felt like progress, because normally I’m at the end of some very uncomfortable manipulation and it rips me apart, but this time I handled things really well my dear readers. This is ONE addiction I need to avoid.

If you read my  ‘letter to the Great Love’ that I posted the other day, you’d have seen that I was anti-seeing him, despite his request to see me.

Then on Thursday I caved. I text him and said I wanted to meet. I explained that in order for us to put the past behind us and move on, I thought it was important that he give me that. I felt like it was important he give me an explanation, at the very least. Why did he tell me he wanted to be with me, AGAIN, then disappear straight after, AGAIN? And then repeatedly keep coming back ‘wanting to talk’ or to ‘hang out’. I know its easy to assume the obvious – he’s just messing me around init. I know that. But I need to hear it told to my face. I want him to go through that uncomfortable conversation and man up about it.

But before I got the chance, he temporarily got in my head again. He said something he shouldn’t have, told me that he told me about his leaving the country because he was hoping I’d ask him to stay.

I got mad, and nipped that little fucker in the bud before it got out of hand. I feel like I dodged a bullet. But still, it was like someone sneaking into my room at night whilst i’m fast asleep, pulling back my eyelids and shining a bright torch in my eyes.

It stung a little bit.

You can read some of the history here. Actually I just read that back and then felt a bit bad about having bad thoughts toward him. But he really does mess me around. I know he feels bad about it though. But what about how his actions have made me feel? I really have felt quite messed around by him. And there’s no beating around the bush, that shit hurts.

But very quickly I was back on course. So much so actually, and this is perhaps really where I should start believing in God, that I think I have lined up my next distraction.

Years ago, on new year’s eve, I met a guy at a dinner party. It was the night after I had first slept with the EX-BOYFRIEND in 2009? So I wasn’t really on the prowl, and this guy was cool but it wasn’t until afterwards that I had realised I had fancied him. He’s not necessarilly the best looking guy on the planet but he’s not exactly unattractive either – AND we had had this really hot conversation about kinky sex from what I remember. But he went off to work overseas pretty shortly afterwards anyway and we sorta dropped out of touch.

I then ended up being with the ex for a few years and this guy popped into my head every once in a while but never in a way that made me think anything. Then last week he invited me to his leaving party, he’s leaving the country for a year now he’s left the Navy. I wrote something on the event’s wall saying i’d try and come if I was around, and that we should keep in touch.

Then on Friday night he started messaging me about Guatamala (where he’s going first) and the next thing I know we’re chatting for a few hours about life, love, travelling and the mysteries of the universe. Lots of flirting found its way in too, effortlessly.

And we’re meeting up week after next for a drink!

Posted in: Journal