Bloggers ‘wall’. I think I have hit it.

Posted on June 30, 2013

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I don’t know what to say at the moment.

I feel like I don’t have anything interesting to talk about. I am too concerned about how my readers are perceiving me and its causing me to not want to talk about what’s in my head in case I lose respect from you all – and that’s assuming I even have any readers anymore!

I feel like I have bored everyone with my ramblings about lost love and frustration from not being able to be with the person I really want to be with. I feel bored by myself and my own lack of anything interesting or exciting to say and my life is pretty mundane at the moment.

I started writing this blog in October once I started realising I had a LOT of work to do on myself, in order to push through my depression. It scared me that I felt like I couldn’t be happy. And it’s been really helpful sharing – offloading – what’s in my head, even if it falls on deaf ears (or non at all). It’s cathartic, i’m sure you’ll all agree. And I enjoy reading other people’s blogs, even when I don’t agree with their behaviour all the time, I still read them and get excited when new posts go up. People are only human at the end of the day, no body is perfect.

In December I came out of my celibacy – I went into hiding for a while there, i’ll admit – but it was good for me. I came out fresh and feeling alive and read to take on the world again.

I met the guy I love who I can’t have before my operation, and we had a beautiful night; even if it was short lived.

I signed up to a dating website, and I even joined a sex club’s own network and started meeting people and putting myself out there. Not once did I fancy any of them mind you – I never saw anyone twice.

I went to a few sex parties in February and April and got back in the game that way – and it was really fun. I had a lot of fun.

I know sex isn’t the be all and end all of this little thing we call life, but let’s be honest it sure as hell feels like you’re living when you’re getting it.

I’m not sex obsessed, nor am I thinking about sex all the time – but I love connecting with people, emotionally, intellectually and physically. All three rolled into one and i’m at my happiest.

But it takes a lot for me to really want to spend quality time with a person like that. I suppose I am a bit of a loner. Too long in someone’s company and i’m generally itching for my own space.

And I don’t ever really fancy anyone either. People rarely excite me in that sense, unless they’re someone I can’t have and then oh boy does my desire perk up!

It happens, sometimes, that someone comes along and i’m like ‘YES’. And they want me too. It’s not like its impossible. Plus I fancy people off the television all the time (although that is probably classified as people I can’t have right.)

I think part of my problem is because I like girls as well as boys, only i’m only ever really looking to meet boys – yet there is probably only a very few that appeal to me. A lot of the time I look at guys and they really gross me out actually.

So it’s been what – six months now, since I felt like I was ready to join the world again, the world of dating/sex and ‘living’. I’ve tried pretty hard you know. But because i’ve maintained my new quality over quantity rule, it means that i’ve not actually had that deeply physical connection with anyone yet and i’ve just surfed this wave of frustration and indifference with as much dignity as a person that’s as sexually charged as me could manage.

And all the while that i’ve been trying to move on in my life from my addiction that is THE GREAT LOVE. Only he hasn’t really gone anywhere. I don’t seem to be able to get over him. Like now, i’m sat here all forlorn and longing wishing he could be here with me.

Fortnightly therapy with an abandonment specialist has been helping me heal my wounded inner child and i’ve been doing regression therapy, helping my subconscious emotions be acknowledged and brought out in the conscious, a technique that psychologists reckon helps us heal and grow.

It’s really helped me – to give an example of how, i’ve felt more connected to myself, more honest with myself, more confidant and in tune with what i’m feeling and trusting. Paranoia, negative thoughts and uncertainty creeps in from time to time but i’ve generally been happier and more positive about the future.

I’ve battled with a drug problem too, had specialist therapy to get over that – been in situations this year as well, where I’ve been really tempted to fall off the wagon, and even though i’ve come close, really really close (and I mean goods in my mouth close) I never ingested anything and have turned down tempting opportunities to get fucked, including one with THE GREAT LOVE, all for my sanity and self respect.

So is what I feel for this guy, an addiction too?

This is what’s in my head right now.

I can’t get over him.

I love him, crave him, desire him – and I don’t even know if I like him all that much. Of course I LIKE him, but it’s hard to really like someone who pushes you away all the time even though they love you. He only loves me by his own standards, and I’m great at love, I really do love when I love, and I try to only do things that keep that person safe from getting hurt. The opposite of what he does to me, effectively.

I saw him last week.

We met up to talk about a work thing. He said he’d help me, and I thought it required meeting face to face to go through everything. We met on the proviso we wouldn’t talk about ‘us’. And we didn’t.

I didn’t even felt weird or bad about it, it was a good thing actually – it switched the dynamic in my head from ‘OHMYFUCKINGAWSHILOVEYOU’ to hmm, maybe we could actually be friends, maybe we can move on from this. I didn’t have a burning desire to rape him (like I usually do) and because we didn’t talk about us the intensity was reduced.

There was a bit fat fucking elephant in the room. And his hug was one of those weird ‘matey’ hugs which seemed odd to me and I thought maybe well, maybe that’s just us from now on. Maybe we’re gonna be mates.

But last night, a good friend of mine came over, we started getting a bit amorous (we started making out, basically) but I was holding back, I was enjoying it but I knew if we carried on then it would get a bit messy and she’s a good mate. She proceeded to get really drunk and in the end stormed off because I kept having a go at her for spilling red wine everywhere.

I was left on my own (quite relieved actually) but it was early and Chase & Status were on the tv headlining Glastonbury and it just really took me back to 2009 when I used to listen to their first album all the time. That summer I had gotten back from living abroad and I was on and off seeing THE GREAT LOVE. Maybe i’m over romanticizing what it actually was what we were doing. Shagging, sometimes. Basically shagging. That summer was the last time we have slept together (yes you read that right, and YES I FUCKING KNOW THAT WAS FOUR YEARS AGO), and so there I am in my living room last night and suddenly I am crying on my sofa watching Chase & Status realising I am obsessed/addicted/in love with – whatever you wanna call it – with someone who I haven’t fucking slept with, in four years.

And if that isn’t a bad enough realisation as it is, I suddenly just felt an intense need to rectify that situation. I felt like I just had to see him, right there and then. That if I didn’t see him right there and then, then I didn’t know what was going to happen but it didn’t feel like it would be good.

so I texted him – I told him in no uncertain terms that he had to drop whatever he was doing and come round, and he replied within seconds saying he was at a family thing and couldn’t get away. That my timing sucked.

I was in a needy place and texted back ‘tell me you miss me’.

He said ‘You know I miss you, it’s written on my face everytime I see you’ (which is true, and it really does my head in), although last week he kept sunglasses on the whole time so I didn’t see his eyes giving him away whilst I guess we both played it cool.

We ended up confessing a bit about how weird meeting up was, and he told me it was really hard for him.

And so I just left it. He wasn’t coming over, so he was no use to me anymore I guess.

But I have paid for it, because today i’ve been on a massive come down. Tired, crabby, lonely, sad, frustrated, annoyed – the whole nine yards.

I’m not sure what the lesson is here?

Either way, i’ve climbed over that wall.

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Posted in: Journal