I don’t like the smell of poo and toothpaste

Posted on July 8, 2013

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This morning I have been thinking about sex and romance, and how easy it is to be turned off by someone.

But you have to remind yourself, when you first meet someone and have sex with them, it’s not always that amazing. Yes ok with my ex boyfriend it was pretty damn good, but we had this weird physical chemistry that I’m not sure I’ve actually had with another human being. But with the great love, I wasn’t massively into the first time we had sex – it was like how it can be with a stranger sometimes, a bit clinical. It’s like it’s happening but your heart and soul aren’t massively connected to it.

So I’ve been on this massive quality over quantity mission since I broke up with my ex, and as a result I was celibate for a really long time last year. I just had zero desire to be with anyone that wasn’t my ex or the great love so I just ran with it and indulged it, instead of forcing myself to fuck someone I didn’t really want to, like the 20-something year old version of me would have.

Things then started picking up this year once I decided I was ready to get back out there, and I could feel myself moving on – and I broke the metaphorical seal (so to speak) by going to Killing Kittens, a sex club for young professionals, which has become a bit of a fun brand and lots of people know about it. It’s not sordid or seedy as one might imagine a sex club to be. And by that stage I was so frustrated by the great love that I needed some major titillation and I wanted to push my own boundaries and give myself an experience (or two).

I digress. I am weighing up how I feel about sex and romance this morning, now that I just consummated with a new love interest – and OMG it was pretty shit in hindsight!

And because it was under par, i’m feeling less interested in him than I was before, when I had really felt like it was going to be amazing because of a gut instinct I had. Shows how gut instincts can be totally wrong!

I know that alcohol got in the way, and it’s not like he didn’t try; and I am a believer in always giving these things a second go, which I am sure will happen later on this week. But in a good way, I feel less angsty and less bothered about talking to him/seeing him again. Whereas a week ago, after I met up with him for that amazing first date I thought ‘fuck I could fall for this guy’ but now I really don’t feel like I could. One of the things about being so open with each other, and I have cherished that dynamic – perhaps its what I needed to counter the withdrawal and closed-off-ness of some of my past love interests – is that I am picking up on a lot of his neuroses… and I am shamed to say, it is a massive turn off.

He also admitted to me that had a sort of affair with his step-sister once, and I couldn’t help but feel really disgusted. I mean, fair enough they didn’t ever live together or grow up together, but that is something that you should NEVER EVER tell anyone. I mean, what does that even say about a person? They were both in relationships at the time, and he told me how they both got off on how wrong it was (and of course I can understand this – if you were EIGHTEEN or something) but I think he was in his late 20s from what it sounded like. He told me how they ended up dumping their partners and spent a few months fucking each other incessantly, until they called it off because they knew how wrong it was.

I kind of lost my erection after that. Especially because he also said to me how he used to be so rampant, yet now he seems to have lost it a bit. Although to be fair he did say he felt like he was getting it back, but it came out a bit like an afterthought – as if in his brain he suddenly realised he needed to say that, or else he’d sound like he wasn’t that up for it with me.

I want someone to want me so badly that they’re constantly hard when I am near, and driven with insatiable desire to fuck me, own my mind, drive me crazy and tease me. Know what I mean?

I also walked into the bathroom after him (I should have known better – but I needed to quickly wash my hands) and I caught a huge whiff of one of my biggest loathed smells. The smell of shit, combined with toothpaste.

Dude smell.

But you know what? The universe is obviously just doing me a massive fuckin favour, because The Pilot is leaving in a few weeks and I probably won’t ever see him again.

So given I probably couldn’t have dealt with being hurt by someone again; I think i’m safe on that front.

And then I woke up this morning after having had a dream about the great love, where we had the horniest most exciting sex I’ve ever had in a dream, I vividly remember licking and biting him in a naughty scenario, like in an office where we weren’t supposed to be – and I thought to myself about how isn’t it funny that when you can’t have someone, you want them so badly. And when you can have someone, it kind of loses its appeal?

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Posted in: Journal