Empowerment mission scuppered

Posted on July 10, 2013

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Damn. I just got a text from The Pilot telling me he can’t see me tonight now, and that he’ll call me later to explain. I knew he was on the rebound. Talking to his ex yesterday has obviously taken him back to a breakup headspace. And I can’t knock the guy for that.

I’m REALLY annoyed I didn’t get to throw him my dignity, self-empowerment, self-preservation speech, and turn him down first.

I am really really very quite annoyed.

Now, usually I would respond saying ‘that’s cool, I totally understand’ etc and just be all nice about it. Then i’d slowly slip into needy insecure wanton headspace and wait for him to want to see me again. And then maybe I would see him again, on his terms – obviously – and following that I would slip out of being in control emotionally and well, then? Hmm, its a slippery slippery slope that one. But it wouldn’t be pretty, that’s for sure.

My flatmate, who is the queen of these situations told me to sack him off completely and ignore him. Even if he calls later, just don’t answer.

Now, this is cold – I would never normally do this if I actually liked someone as a person.

She reckons a breezy facebook message in two weeks to say hi and hope has an amazing trip would be the best approach. My brief to her had been, how do I stay in control on this one? Help!

Now its gotten me thinking about coping strategies and communication in general around these sorts of situations.

Have you ever ignored someone you liked because you simply knew it was the best thing to do? Given them a wide berth to avoid getting caught up in their neuroses or alternating or emotionally changing headspaces?

And do I only ‘like’ The Pilot right now, because he was the first person who I had had a proper connection with since The Great Love and my ex? I refer back to how I felt on Sunday, when I thought I could take it or leave it (especially since he had been acting so keen, and I walked in the bathroom and smelled his poo mixed in with toothpaste – GROSS).

Massively pondering my thoughts right now. And I’m wondering about The Great Love’s coping strategies. I’m wondering what it might have been like to be on the receiving end of a girl who was (is?) so emotionally needy and ‘out there’ leading with her insecurities instead of being calm, rational and in control of the situation, seeing it for what it was – like I am now, with The Pilot.

I keep thinking about how in Jan when we had that amazing reconnection after six months of not talking, how surprised and complimentary The Great Love was about how ‘zen’ I was. He has often told me in the past how I’m really neurotic and highly strung, to which i’d respond – Moi?!

Needless to say, that ‘zen’ hadn’t lasted and he ended up running a mile when I verbally spewed all my insecurities all over him. But to be fair, we’d had plans to meet, and he bailed. Which is what brought them out, ultimately.

Shit man. I really want to speak to the great love and have this conversation with him – instead of repeatedly with myself.

Although that it is a bad, bad, idea. But somehow in the pit of my soul I feel like I have had an epiphany today, and I want to take responsibility for my part in fucking things up.

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Posted in: Journal