One membership for the self preservation society please

Posted on July 10, 2013

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So I woke up this morning feeling a little anxious. I was hungover and couldn’t sleep. You know that thing that always happens when you go to bed late after a bottle or two of wine and all you wanna do is sleep then you wake up five hours later wide awake?

Stuff.

On.

My.

Mind.

When I last wrote on here, Sunday I think it was, I was in a ‘take it or leave it’ headspace about The Pilot. We spent Saturday night and all day Sunday together, and even though he was really ill it was chilled and quite nice. Lots of little touches and kisses here and there, a bit like a proper couple would. We lay in the park and smooched (lightly – there no horniness to it come to think of it), but he stroked my back and caressed my tattoos and I felt relaxed. More relaxed than I’ve been with a guy in a really long time.

We went to a pub, caught the final half hour of Andy Murray winning Wimbledon, then came home, had a bit of a kiss and then he left. Not bad given we hadn’t even really known each other properly for a week.

He wanted to see me again he said. We made loose plans for Wednesday.

His text messages kept coming, and after a day or two he seemed to get back to his old jokey self and I was looking forward to seeing him (tonight) – I suggested I would cook dinner, and I arranged for my flatmate to make herself scarce.

I started fantasising about what I would do to him when he got here. Given our drunken antics on Saturday night were a bit of a let down, and knowing he was in a bit of a submissive headspace I felt like assaulting him the minute he got through the door and taking control of him, winding him up, teasing him, making him jerk off in front of me then coming on my face. I didn’t want to fuck him, just get him to fuck himself and be left feeling like he REALLY want to fuck me, perhaps a bit later on, after dinner and film.

I suppose to be that inspired, I must like him a little bit. Which I didn’t see coming. Which would explain why I felt a bit let down when he text me yesterday to say he wasn’t sure anymore about tonight, that he’d spoken to his ex that day and it had left him in a weird headspace.

Now, I am a reasonable human being. They only split up a few months ago, maybe even a bit less. It’s only human to feel like and I respect him for being honest. He did it in a really nice way, and left it open and said he’d call me today as he’ll probably feel different by then.

But it suddenly dawned on, when I was lying in bed awake this morning – in this situation I am not sure I can see how I win? Unless of course I get to have amazing sex with him, which is ultimately what I want. But to have amazing sex, I always need to have a really strong physical or emotional connection. And when that happens it tends to make me feel connected to them back. And he’s leaving in 2 weeks.

And when I really thought about it, in his final few weeks before he leaves the country, he’s going to be emotional anyway as he says goodbye to his life, his friends, family and former loved ones. Which will put me on a priority of about zero, won’t it.

And the last thing I want is to achieve amazing sexy times and deeply connect with him – only to end up being dropped again when he either doesn’t have time or isn’t in the right headspace.

Anyway, looking at the facts – he’s not even text me yet today, which is unusual for him. Since the first day we hung out (two Monday’s ago) he has been on my case constantly. I know it was 100% reboundy neediness on his part of course, and I had told him that intensity he was feeling about me was exactly that – but it was still nice having all the attention, and we were having such a laugh in the process. We really do get on. I feel like I have gained a new friend in him.

So, in order to preserve my dignity and our ‘friendship’ – and i’m guessing he is placing our friendship in high regard too because we’ve talked openly about it – I am thinking that if he does get in touch later about meeting up tonight, i’m going to tell him I think its a bad idea. If he doesn’t get in touch, i’ll just back the fuck away, keep it casual and talk to him about how i’ve been feeling only if he chases me.

Which will probably be THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE I have ever done anything like that.

It feels pretty empowering.

I feel a bit sad too.

But I am distinctly aware that three days ago I felt like I could take it or leave it, so I think these feelings are my own neediness coming out now that i’m not being prioritised by him anymore.

It’s like with The Great Love – I have just been projecting my lack of needs being met on him this whole time. For a really long time. Since the minute he starting withdrawing in the early days (funny enough he had a conversation with his ex too around the time he started going quiet on me, and it was the first time I had heard this heart ‘headspace’ – WEIRD) and we have been yo-yo-ing to and from each other like a pair of insecure children since. Yes, maybe there is love here, maybe its just lust. Probably just lust. A bit of like. But not much else. With The Great Love, that intense feeling of NEEDING and WANTING a person doesn’t come from true love at all does it?

So recognising that this is the way it is with The Pilot, doesn’t stop me from feeling a bit shit, but hey at least I am starting to believe my own hype for once instead of being too caught up in the emotion of it all.

Will keep you posted, and I welcome any comments and if people have had similar experiences…

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Posted in: Journal