The top 10 reasons why I love my great love

Posted on August 10, 2013

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So I’ve purposefully been avoiding writing about this, and for a number of reasons.

1. I don’t want to jinx it.

2. I don’t wanna look like a fool if it all goes wrong *pride*

3. I am scared that by writing about it, it makes a bigger ‘thing’ and thus by default causes me, him or something else to fuck it up

4. I have been conscious about cheapening it, as to write about it, broadcast it, get excited about it even – sort of means I am using ‘it’ as material to have something to say, or whatever the reason is for me writing this blog. Not attention as such, but material none-the-less.

But I feel like I am going to explode.

I am trying to do things differently, I really am – but attempting to have a relationship… and not just any relationship – a seemingly serious, meaningful and ‘future-potential’ one, with a person with aspergers, is so so hard.

That’s right. Aspergers. Not full blown, but on the spectrum either way.

And I don’t know if I can do it. I thought I could a week ago, but now I am starting to doubt myself.

I really want to make it work though – like you couldn’t believe. But its only been a month since we both agreed it was time to clear the air and give things another go after I wrote the email to him that got us talking again. It’s been short lived, but amazing so far. Only there’s something inside of me that won’t let me get excited or really enjoy what’s happening either.

It’s fucked up.

And I just don’t know what to do.

So last weekend I rang a well known psychic for some advice. Crazy behaviour I know, but you know what? She was so spot on – it was like she was, well, psychic! Actually fucking psychic. Whaddya know.

And the main thing she kept saying to me was that there was no reason why we couldn’t have a happy lasting relationship, but a) he wasn’t quite ready yet and b) as a result I was going to have to be really really patient. And I could hear something in her voice that said ‘and that’s going to be really tough for you’. She commented on how it’s me making a lot of compromises, and how I’m accommodating all of his neuroses and issues. And she said that I have to ask myself whether i’m happy for it to be that way, putting his needs first – and perhaps my own to one side for a while until he’s ready to be able to give me what I want.

So what the fuck am I doing? I can hear the thoughts and internal voices of everyone around me wandering why the hell am I putting myself through this with this guy. What is so special about him, they’re all wondering? Not that it really matters what anyone else thinks.

I love him. And for really good reasons too.

But perhaps it’s time to assess this.

So here is my Top 10 reasons why The Great Love is worth digging deeper than I’ve ever gone to try and make something work. Hopefully by the end of this list I’ll be in a better place to answer the questions spinning me out in my head right now.

  1. We’re in each other’s consciousness constantly. For six years, since the day we met, we’ve thought about each other all the time. Even when we’ve been in relationships. Including the serious ones. Even when I lived abroad for a year, I couldn’t forget about him. He’s like a tattoo. A tattoo on my heart.
  2. There is always something pulling us together. A reason to get in touch. Our lives were so far apart when we met, and the older we get it feels like our paths are slowly but increasingly pulling us together. I’m now technically his client, in so much as the agency he works for are now the company I work for’s agency.
  3. We are both old souls, and think quite similarly about things, in our own unique ways. We really understand each other and get each other’s neuroses and complications. Even though we’ve brought them out in each other over the years, we’ve played significant roles in each other’s personal and emotional growth, and helped make each other stronger. We have each other to thank for that, and that is massive.
  4. I love his intellect, and how we can go deep into stuff at a higher consciousness level. Our worlds – in terms of interests, passions, person view of things – totally collide.
  5. I feel like I still have so much more to learn from this situation, I’m not done with it yet. We’ve only just gotten started.
  6. I want to have sex with him like ALL the time. I am permanently sexually frustrated when he is my life, and we have so much unfulfilled potential it drives me insane.
  7. I like how he is as open minded about his sexuality as I am, but he knows that when it comes down to it, it’s me he wants long term. I see lots of potential with this openness too – like experimenting sexually together and exploring/pushing our boundaries. Or just having good old fashioned loving sex, spiritual sex or aggressive fucking whenever the mood takes us. I couldn’t imagine ever NOT being up for it. I feel like we have four year’s of missing out to catch up on and feel like I could lock him in a room for a week and do nothing but have him as my slave.
  8. I think we could grow really old together, either coming in and out of each other’s lives in meaningful ways (albeit potentially painful ones) or making it work properly, and for good. He could be the guy I marry, have kids with. Or he could just be the guy who made me ‘me’.
  9. As soon as I laid eyes on him, I was in love. As soon as we started talking, I thought ‘OMG’. Then as soon as we started kissing, I was like ‘This is so weird’. Because it all felt so so amazing. And like we’d known each other for centuries.
  10. I think if I allowed myself to, I could love this guy more than life itself.

Sorry for any typos.

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Posted in: Journal