He’s on my mind… but i’m okay about it

Posted on December 11, 2013


Moving on means starting to fancy other people, to feel human again.

How is it possible that being broken hearted can disable you from life so badly?

This past few months i’ve been depressed, properly low. The kind where you feel disconnected from the universe’s energy. I couldn’t meditate, I couldn’t even ‘conjour’ up love whilst laying in bed thinking about it. Trying to give myself some.

No! Not like that, you filthy minded person you.


I’d say this last 2 years, since I realised that you can love someone, really love them – and they can coldly turn around after being besotted with you one minute, and then just as you’ve decided they’re the one for you, they say ‘I’m sorry but I don’t think I love you anymore’, has been a weird time for me. I’ve been bored. Un-passionate. I suppose you could say, dying on the inside.

The lights went out ladies and gentleman.

You ever experienced that?

Then someone came back into my life, and sure I invited them – but I needed to. I needed to know they had me on their mind all that time too. And they had. It was mutual. And that felt really good! Really really good. Being united with that person, was an experience i’ll never forget.

Sure, it didn’t work out and it got ugly, and I relived all this unconscious buried pain from my childhood but you know what I’m realising now?

It’s life.

It’s fucking NORMAL.

Relationships don’t work out.

You don’t always end up with the person you want to.

Even if it’s true love. Or not, as the case may be.

And people get depressed.

They struggle.

They worry.

They cry.

But it’s totally bonfide normal behaviour and you’re not human if you don’t have some sort of cross to bear.

Happiness is the journey, not the destination. Blah blah blah.

But sure, depression can be a dark and ugly beast and when it comes with such ferocity that you lose yourself, it can feel like you’re the only one in the world who understands this level of pain, and its black, and hard and relentless and can feel like there’s no way out.

I’ve had many days like this in the last year – ever since I wanted to go to sleep and never wake up last new year’s eve (and tried to make this actually happen) – but look at me now. I’m going to be waking up in Thailand on New Year’s Eve just 12 months later. Check me out. I’m doing okay.

And there’s been this one person. The one person I couldn’t forget, who despite all the shit seemed to want me as much as I wanted him. The one person that I thought I would end up with, the one person I knew would be there for me if I reached out. The one person that I knew understood my pain. The one person that I knew would love me more than anyone’s possibly ever loved me…. out of all the guys who don’t know how to show it that is.

The irony being of course, that that one person was the link to all my dark. The dark days were darker when his energy was invading mine.

But despite all that, despite pushing that negative energy away in October and cutting it off completely (and now feeling so much better for it) two days ago I met someone who knows him. Used to work with him back when we used to see each other more regularly. And it’s made me think of him. He’s such a nice guy, he said. Such a nice guy.

And despite all the crap, the broken promises, poor behaviour, unreliability, lies, silent treatments and disrespect – I thought to myself, there’s a reason I felt the way I did.

I loved him.

And that doesn’t make me a fool.

It just makes me human.

And the one thing about moving on, is that you start to feel more human again.

Posted in: Journal, The Truth