You can escape the country….

Posted on December 30, 2013

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But you can’t escape your mind.

I am realising I am not well. Well, the extent to which that is.

I am sat in the most beautiful place, one of the most stunning I’ve had the privilage of. And sadness and anxiety keep lapping against me.

I feel anxious because I am so low. I am carrying so much negative energy, paranoia, dark thoughts and frequent attacks of the mind that make me feel like I just want to end it all, take the easy way out.

I don’t feel safe.
This isn’t me.
I can’t sleep.
The slightest noise wakes me up and I feel terrified.
I am really forgetful too. I feel stupid. My brain isnt working properly.

So I feel low because its depressing. To be here. A place I should feel so happy in, the typical sort of place I have been fantasising about coming to for a very long time.

I wish I had someone to snuggle up with me at night, perhaps then I wouldnt feel so alone. I am ashamed to admit that. But who am I fooling?

I am even worried writing so honestly…. I left myself be accidentally subject to being read by friends and family and would hate for them to know the truth of what bubbles quietly in my head. Ironic, given I started writing this journal so that more people could feel confidant talking about depression. But I can’t talk about it with those I love. Why burden them? Its too much right? Enough that I have to live with this… I couldn’t load it onto others. I load enough as it is…. and I am no longer at the ‘whats wrong with me’ stage where I need help or advice but at one of acceptance, awareness (and supposedly non judgement – am working on it!).

But there are moments of non sadness too. Reading the novel I started seven years ago, reading it back to myself for the first time in a long time, made me excited and wanting to finish writing it. It needs work but there is some meat on the bones there.

If I could use this trip, channel my thoughts into that piece of writing, and leave at the end with something semi completed, I could forgive myself for not being entirely happy.

Maybe its weird just being back here in Thailand, after nine years of thinking about it. Maybe this energy will pass as I fulfill more of my reason for being here?

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