Someone gift me their motivation please

Posted on February 18, 2014


So I’ve been back just over a week, well a week and a half. Back from six weeks travelling round Thailand and then a two week beach holiday in Sri Lanka. Hilarious right? I had to have a beach holiday, to recover from a month of pretty much mini beach holidays. Although to be fair, my Thailand experience wasn’t your average traveller’s fare. It was closure. It was intense. And it was emotional.

Anyway, I came back feeling optimistic and hopeful and excited for the future. I had a great job opportunity on the horizon, one of those ‘probably is too good to be true’ opportunities, which is exactly how it turned out. But until that inevitable demise I was happy, carefree, and spending all the money I would earn in my head. I’d even signed up to do a test drive of a brand new Renault Clio.

But what got me most excited about that particular opportunity was the freedom of it. Working from home, I could rent out my place, get somewhere down south, more in the country and out of the dismal smoke of the city. It was the thought of moving to a new area that perked me up the most. It felt like it was time.

So anyway, I’ve just turned them down and I feel a bit, I dunno – disappointed. But I had to. I just wasn’t the right person for the job, and I think the timings were viable for the scale of what needed to be achieved.

Suddenly my future isn’t mapped out for me as much as it was a week ago. And it’s left me feeling a bit wide open. A bit vulnerable. Dare I even say, a bit lost.

Also, in my post-travels holiday glow I got in touch with The Great Love, asking if we could talk. I was worried about him and needed to know he was okay. There’s a big Time to Change campaign going on at the moment, all about raising awareness of mental health issues and I just couldn’t avoid talking to him anymore. It’s always the way.

And I just felt like we had so many things to talk about that hadn’t been said. I knew deep down he would wanna hear from me too. He called, pretty much straight away. Said he’d been trying to reply to my email but couldn’t find the right words to do it justice. But then he did his usual thing of being a nightmare to pin down – my reception was bad and we got cut off, I tried calling him the next day and he didn’t answer and then on both Friday and Sunday he said he’d call and never did. I sat by the phone like a wally heart beating fast, anticipating what we might say to each other.

We finally spoke last night, and he admitted (in not so many words) that he was just scared and kept bottling it.

Then again, after 10 minutes of conversation we got cut off because his battery died. Nothing changes. That said, i’d be lying if I said I didn’t really enjoy those ten minutes as much as they were school-girl cringey to start with, almost sweet and funny once we broke the ice, and then the usual awesome once we generally caught up and avoided talking about ‘it’.

But really, it’s the ‘it’ that I want to talk about. I feel like the lack of talking about it, just escalates the anxiety around it even more.

Anyway, the main thing is I know he’s alive, he’s well and he’s doing okay.

And if I was going to do #100HappyDays then this would be the moment when I’d tweet:

‘Heard a tune on the radio and loved it so much I then played it on repeat repeatedly #100HappyDays’.

That happened whilst I was doing the washing up, and it just got me. That’s not happened in a really long time, so I did momentarily buzz off that. Check it out:

Back to the title of this post – every day I sit at my computer and pretend I’m job searching. I make half hearted in-roads to productivity which I call pretending I’m job searching because all i’m doing really is filing. I go on Guardian Jobs, I click the button that adds things into my shortlist, and then I eventually start to read through them and un-add them from my shortlist when I realise that i’m not qualified or that I don’t really want to do it even though I am. And when a post is a good few days away from deadline then I don’t even read it because I can just do it tomorrow.

But that’s the problem.

I don’t think tomorrow is going to bring about a new day on this one. I just don’t really want to do it anymore. My current career.

So i’m thinking about the notion of motivation today, and wondering what does it all mean?

Usually when I lack it, I tell myself ‘tomorrow is a new day’ and more often than not it is. But i’ve been telling myself this now for a very long time. And despite that I keep pushing myself, pushing and pushing and trying to overcome that feeling in the very pit of my stomach that says ‘surely there’s more’.

For the first time in my life, I just don’t know what to do.

Discovered Modern Family on Netflix #100HappyDays


Posted in: Journal