Scared i’ll jinx it, but stronger all the same

Posted on April 29, 2014

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I write this blog, really so I can just process my madness. I don’t expect anyone to read it, like my articles or leave comments. But when they do, obviously that feels nice…

Sometimes I read my stuff back and think to myself ‘gosh, if people did read this… they must think she’s a bit bonkers’.

But my sadness and my pain and any over analysing off the back of that has only really been in the forefront of my mind in this last few years, and I do believe i’ve had to embrace it, live it, and let it go – in order to move on, and heal from it.

I don’t want to jinx it by saying this (and i’m sure i’ll always have my ups and downs because that’s human) but I really do feel this weight has lifted.

When James died, it was like the shock shook me out of depression.

Suddenly I didn’t feel like I have a right to be flatlining anymore. I had to live my life for him. My emotional hangover from my previous relationships ending seemed to dissipate somewhat, I no longer cared about the same things like I had a few weeks or months prior. In fact, the noise in my brain suddenly seem a bit trite.  A bit petty. And it went quiet.

James was dead.

Shit like that doesn’t happy in real life though does it, it happens in movies and books and on the tv news. What a privileged life I lead. Apart from a few deaths when I was 18 by people I only briefly knew (suicides, sadly) and of course my grandmother, I’ve been fortunate enough not to be crossed paths with much personal experience of death. The Tsunami was a different experience and one that needs to be tackled by a whole other blog post. PTSD may have had something to do with my depression – I certainly felt useless and like I didn’t help enough. I didn’t understand why I was alive when so many others weren’t if I’m honest, which really fucked with my head – especially some of my beliefs about what was ‘meant to be’ or fate and destiny.

Anyway, fresh from plenty of spiritual exploration and personal development I’m focusing now on things and people who are pure and wholesome. I want to be surrounded by good people who understand that we all have issues – it’s what you do with them that counts. Too many people bury their head in the sand, distract themselves, or just aren’t ready to face them yet, and that’s cool that’s their journey. But I’ve spent far too long being weighed down, feeling judged or abandoned.

Time to move on, and i’m feeling really good about that :0)

 

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