It’s getting boring now

Posted on May 24, 2014

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Constantly thinking about it that is. It’s almost getting to the point where I think I might actually do it. Perhaps I’ll set myself a deadline or something. Two year’s to sort myself out. If I still feel the same way then, then I may as well just do it. It’s a form of madness, all this thinking about it. It slowly drives one insane. I have good days, don’t get me wrong. Maybe even good weeks, from time to time. But at least for around 1-2 hours every day, on most days, this wave of despair just washes over me. I don’t see it coming most of the time, then bam! It hits me in the face like a tidal wave. I’ve been dreaming of tidal waves. Guns. Old friends. Car chases. Sometimes I wake up horny, and it will be just after the day when I said to someone how I feel asexual – no muse. And sometimes I feel like there’s so much to look forward to. I feel normal. NORMAL. What is normal anyway? Is it a way of describing not wanting to take a hammer to your face, smashing up you nose, sticking needles in people’s eyes, whilst thinking of what you’d write in your letter so that your family didn’t hate you? Coz sure, sometimes I can feel normal. And it’s beautiful. There’s beauty in so much – ‘potential’ itself, a beautiful construct. I started reading this awful book about a guy who tries to jump off a bridge. A girl stops him, and he gives her two weeks to change his mind. It’s a cheesy romance. I only picked it up because I thought it might be a pick me up. But one good thing has come out of this, and that is that I want to write. I have all these words coming into my mind on a daily basis and whilst i’m not writing them all down, i’m feeling that feeling again, the bubbling desire to get all the shit down and make something constructive out of this way that I’m feeling. And really, i’m okay, actually. In the grand scheme of things, I feel really fucking fantastic. On the good days. But it’s getting boring now. Because i’m inching closer to actually wanting to do it.

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Posted in: Stories, The Truth