Listen to your inner wisdom

Posted on September 2, 2014

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Last night I was feeling a bit jittery, and I needed to meditate.

I’ve not been getting along with meditation recently, it’s like exercise. The more you do it, the easier it gets. The less you do it, the harder it is to get back into it. But I needed to – and wanted to – calm my mind (like the rare moments where I actually want to run!)

You see, since I got back to London I had been thinking about someone from my past a bit more than usual. A good friend and I had been chatting over the weekend about love and how strange it could be sometimes. When I had broken up with my ex, I genuinely loved him dearly and thought that I would always feel that way. Even though I knew that the reality would be that the complexity of that feeling would pass or fade in time, I still felt a lot for him for quite a while. I guess it’s only natural.

But coming back to London I realised that this past however many months, since I last saw him in May, those feelings have gone. Sure I care about him as anyone would care about a friend, he’s a great person after all. But it was really nice realising that I didn’t love him anymore. Not like that anyway.

She then asked me about someone else, and it got me thinking about him – this person from my past.

I realised in that moment that I hadn’t gotten past those feelings just yet (actually technically I knew really that I hadn’t – although I had been really trying to and maybe conned myself that I was moving on – you ever done that?). Anyway I found myself saying open-heartedly that when you feel that way about someone, that deeply, complexly with so much self-assurance that you were meant to be together – even though it didn’t work out, it does make you question if you’ll ever feel that way again about another person, in quite the same way. So unconditionally. 

Maybe when I have kids, she said. And my ovaries coiled.

So in good spirits (i’m loving being back) but slightly heavy hearted, I travelled home alone and I couldn’t help but wonder about him. What was he doing, where was he these days etc. I think I may have even looked at our last conversation on facebook, and taken a peak at his page. Not to get too caught up in any snooping but just curious to see.. oh you know, it’s just too hard not to sometimes eh. Before I knew it was clicking on something to do with his work and it opened up on a company website with a jovial picture of what must be him and his team right there on the homepage.

And seeing him there, in all his 2014ness (I haven’t seen him since October) I felt weird. He was another year older. More manly. More grown up. He didn’t look like the person I had painted him to be in my mind.

Anyway, last night i’m sat here in this same spot in my home office tapping away on my computer and out the blue a message pops up on my Outlook messager, and it has no name attached to it and straight away I know its him. I know because no name means it must be from someone on facebook who i’m not friends with, and there are the words ‘i’ve been thinking about you, moreso than usual. Sorry about how it ended before you left’.

So that’s how I ended up needing to meditate. I chose a Deepak Chopra meditation that was all about reclaiming your inner wisdom. I felt like I needed some I suppose. And what I love about meditation is that it clears your mind and opens you up to new thoughts, it’s like there’s a source of truth somewhere deep inside of all of us and if we just allow ourselves to reach down and gain access to it, we can learn all sorts. We can grow in wisdom.

Showering this morning, wondering what to do, going round in circles about whether to let him back into my life or give him the cold shoulder, I realised something i’d not thought before. Aided by reading some of our older facebook conversations in 2011, I cringed as I read back some of the things I was saying. So free and open about my darkness, I have basically been far too honest I think over the years.

There was me thinking that I carried around this big old dirty secret and all this time the one person I have romantically loved unconditionally, has been burdened with mine. Suddenly so much made sense. Why he holds back. Why he repeatedly checks in on me that i’m okay, but can’t quite find a way to make a relationship with me work. I could be wrong, and i’m sure its more complicated but I realised that i’m not easy either. Whereas i’ve been blaming him the whole time for ‘not being able to make things work’ with me. Blaming it on his aspergers, or his own personal challenges and headspaces. His forgetfulness, irritability, unreliability, for not being true to his word.

Sure he’s all those things.

But he knows about how depressed i’ve been over the years. Looking back i’ve said it so freely, and openly that I haven’t protected him from it, i’ve just laid it out, almost manipulatingly I think, to try and relate too perhaps. Or to say, oi fucker. Don’t fuck me about i’ve got feelings.

And it’s backfired.

I was revealing my own immaturity, particulary in this matter.

I was basically demonstrating, without meaning to, that I wasn’t ready for something serious. That I was fragile, too much to take on (for an equally fragile person) and even though the responsibility for this relationship never having worked out doesn’t entirely sit in my corner, I see how my immaturity and attitude just simply won’t have, if nothing else, helped.

Regardless, I still have this situation to thank for helping me grow, and see things differently – for what they are, effectively. 

I just don’t know quite what to do about whether to message him back, and/or seeing him. It’s the hardest thing, letting go, isn’t it?

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