The Human Magnet Syndrome

Posted on September 10, 2014

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If you’ve never read this blog before you won’t know about a significant relationship that made a huge impact on me. It taught me, in advertently, how to love myself – and I realised that the ‘great love’ I was obsessing about, wasn’t a ‘him’ but was a ‘me’.

If you’re currently caught up in a relationship web that you can’t quite wrap your head around, with mega chemistry highs and incredible let-down lows – then it might be that you’re caught up in a codependency trap with a narcassist. Strong words I know, but bear with me.

Firstly, you will get over it. I promise. You think you won’t right now, but you will. But you won’t get over it until you heal whatever that darkness is inside of you. Not at least, until you leave your codependency issues at the door and work on that toxic shame that you inherited from your parents. Sorry folks! But with the right love and guidance, you can do it.

The Human Magnet Syndrome (coined by Ross Rosenberg in his book of the same title) describes the intense chemistry and soul mate connection that comes from two opposites meeting and ‘falling deeply in love’. What is going on, according to Rosenberg is that – 

The most potent of love potions, “romantic chemistry,” draws lovers into a trance-like experience that results in a steamy dance of infatuation, intrigue and sexual desire. Romantic chemistry, or the “urge to merge,” controls our rational mind, so much so that lessons learned and pledges made are neutralized in an instant. Although conscious desires, choices and preferences are crucial to the pairing of a romantic partnership, they play a secondary role to the forces of our unconscious mind. No matter how we try to fight our relational destiny, we still fall prey to our instinctual urges.

The irresistible and hypnotic allure of romantic chemistry creates what Rosenberg calls a “soul mate conviction.” What seems so “perfect” in the beginning often unfolds into a disappointing dysfunctional relationship. His book, The Human Magnet Syndrome: Why We Love People Who Hurt Us, explains why the soul mate of our dreams often ends up as the cellmate of our nightmares. It will also explain why Codependents and Narcissists invariably almost always fall in love with each other.

I have taken all this from his website, www.thehumanmagnetsyndrome.com.

Here’s some more:

“Since the dawn of modern civilization, men and women have been magnetically and irresistibly drawn into romantic relationships, not so much by what they see, feel and think, but more by an invisible and irresistible force. When individuals with healthy emotional backgrounds meet, the result is a loving, reciprocal and stable relationship. However, when codependents and pathological narcissists meet, they are enveloped in a magnetic and seductive “love force,” that begins like a fairy-tale, but later unfolds into a painful “seesaw” of love/pain and hope/disappointment. The soul mate of the Codependent’s dreams becomes the narcissist of his/her nightmares.

 

The main thesis of this book is that codependents and emotional manipulators are naturally attracted to each other because their opposite but unhealthy personality types are perfectly compatible. In relationships, codependents are pathologically-oriented toward the needs of others while downplaying or ignoring the importance of their own needs. Pathological narcissists are selfishly oriented toward their own needs while dismissing or ignoring the needs of others. Because codependents seek to care for the needs of others and emotional manipulators seek to have their needs met, they are well-matched relationship partners.

 

As a direct result of their well-matched relationship orientations, codependents and narcissists are irresistibly drawn to one another by what seems like an invisible magnetic-like force. When they first meet, they are enveloped in a magnetic and seductive energy force that initially fulfills their fantasy for true love, but later devolves into a painful seesaw of love/pain and hope/disappointment. As opposite but inversely matched dysfunctional individuals, they become compatible relationship partners. The same magnetic attraction force that brought them together also bonds them into a long-term and persistent relationship.”

So how does one unravel themselves from this most unsavoury of situations? I think the best place to start is to tell your story. Then get appropriate help.

In 2012 I sought the help of a specialist therapist who had experience working with clients in the area I felt I had particular issues with (being sent away from home as a kid). I also worked on my addiction issues. I cleaned up. I knew I had an issue, so after consulting with my GP about being depressed I was referred to a drugs rehabilitation centre where I was given extra support in the year after I’d finally and completely stopped my dependency on Class A’s.

It wasn’t like I was getting high all the time – by my 30s I had calmed down a lot and would sometimes give up for periods of up to a year. But I’d always end up getting back into it, and then feeling terrible afterwards. It felt like I was trapped in an unhealthy, unloving relationship where occasionally we’d rebond and give things another go then realise very quickly it wasn’t working. But letting go completely, just seemed to be a nigh on impossibility. And there were times when things got particularly intense and i’d just need an escape route, and it was messing with my head.

 

I had started partying quite hard when I was around 14/15. I used to take narcotics, or smoke weed, for around 10 – 15 years, in the same way that some people would drink a G&T. My weekend’s were always an adventure, fuelled by whatever high I was into at that time. I had a particular penchant for the ultimate love drug – MDMA – but I wouldn’t (couldn’t?) turn down Coke when I was offered it (or could afford it) – and like most party people I had a ketamine phase. And a mushrooms phase. A prescription drugs phase. A speed phase. Not necessarilly in that order.

Getting high was the ultimate escape from reality. Booze couldn’t quite cut it. Drugs gave me a social confidance I didn’t have when it was ‘just me’ in the world, and as a result of getting high I used to have what felt like such legendary times, feeling the music in a completely different way. So many good laughs came from those nights out, despite the drudgery and grossness of having had no sleep the next days. And lots of sex. So much great, giddy, lovely sex. I used to kiss everyone! I’ve made out with most of my best friends high, and loved every moment.

Whilst I didn’t necessarily always mix with the best people, and the more random and unusual they were the better it felt like sometimes – but when I was with my friends that was all just part of the fun. Engrained in my life as a social ritual for half of my life, by the time I turned 30 partying hard was an addiction, there’s no uncertain terms about that. I just wasn’t jacking up in a doorway, which is why it was hard for me to admit that I had a problem.

It’s taken three years to start inching towards the healthiest place I’ve ever been. 

It’s been three year’s of a different kind of high – the natural kind. And plenty of lows. So many lows. But with every emotional adventure, i’ve found that I inch somewhere closer towards health. Whether its a breakthrough observation or learning something new about myself, gaining an inner wisdom and the ultimate goal of freedom from my emotional prison… these are the new highs. And they feel really really good.

Whatever your neurosis, emotional issue, mental health disorder, un-met need or heartache, you’ll have a story to tell too. So get writing! And start talking. Tell a good friend. Tell a trusted person in your life. Find a therapist. Read blogs. Read books!

There is support out there.

When you’ve started your journey to healing and self-love, you’ll start to see that co-depency of the person you can’t move on from, start to lift. You might still care about them, but it will hurt less.

This is issue is so much more complicated to resolve than what i’ve been able to express on here, but this is a good start 🙂 There’ll definitely be more on this subject!

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