Being the best version of you

Posted on October 10, 2014


Have you ever thought someone came into your life to help make you a better person?

I have one such friend, who I think has played a major role in my journey to being just that. I saw him the other day. First time in a year. Was intense, but not in the way it used to be. Just magnamanous I suppose. Meaningful. Grown up, perhaps.

We have so much history, not all of it always pleasant. But the unpleasantness over the years meant that I needed to understand my reaction to his challenges, and it forced me to look deep inside of myself and ask myself, why? Why do I keep feeling this way?

I’ve referred to him on here in different guises over the time that I have been writing this blog. Sometime’s he’s been The Great Love (which I discovered was more of a journey to the greatest love of my life – myself) and other times he’s just been a friend. To begin with though, I called him The Great Love because he’s the person I’ve loved the most in my romantic life and at one time I thought we were meant to be together, as if it was a destiny of proportions I can’t even explain. But I was so drawn to him. The feeling I had of love was so great, it was mult-layered, multi-faceted, and complicated to the Nth degree.

You can read what i’ve written about this situation here if it interests you to know more:

Not all of my writing about this friendships is objective, as I was caught up in it emotionaly at the time. And possibly going a wee bit crazy. But it’s real, and it’s the way I felt so that can’t be knocked.

But the last 2 years have seen me go from wanting to give things another go with him, to now (actually properly this time) believing that he came into my life for a reason, and he’ll always be special to me for that. When I read Osho’s landmark book, Love Freedom & Aloneness, I realised that REAL LOVE is not about possessiveness, attachments or needing someone in your life. Afterwards, after really reading the words on the page, sometimes repeatedly they were so beautiful and poetic, I felt this ‘love weight’ lift from my shoulders, it was a revelation really. It’s not hugely radical thinking, and nothing massively new to me, but for some reason it connected deep within me in that moment.

Of course weeks later and I have definitely felt I am back at square one in certain vulnerable moments, wondering if I am still in love with him, and wondering if it’s dangerous game to play to try to be true friends (which we’d discussed we both wanted to be); but I now have the ability to pull myself back out of it, and I no longer feel down about the fact that I can’t be with him. He has his reasons for not being able to make it work with me, and I accept that. We’re all on our own journeys right? And sometimes it’s just not meant to be the way we think it is. Perhaps it was ‘meant to be’, for another reason.

I’m proud at what I’ve learned this last decade, and as I am about to turn 35 I really am quite humbled at how his place in my life, exactly the way it is, as unpleasant, and sad and frustrating as it has been, plays a major role in who I am now. All that constant rejection, well it was in part there as a consequence of his behaviour toward me (and i’m not excusing his behaviour, just accepting it); but it was also partly there as a consequence of my reaction to it. He put a mirror to my issues, and forced me to work on them.

I think I have started to let go. Or at least, started to gain an inner confidance and peace with and appreciation for the situation as it is.

Many a night has been spent visualising the cutting of mine and The Great Love’s energetic attachments, quite literally – I’ve laid in bed and imagined a big flow of energy flowing from my body to his in his home in London, and I pictured myself cutting the energy flow with a massive pair of comedy scissors, then waving goodbye to him. I did this enough times that it started to help. It soothed me, if nothing else.

That was a year ago, after we I told him in October just before my birthday, that we were never going to have a relationship. 

Which obviously I didn’t really 100% believe myself, in terms of never ever ever, but I had to say it to force him to move on, so that he could let go himself. I went home feeling miserable. I didn’t sleep a wink that night and rang him in the morning in tears. I left the country to go travelling to get away from it all and spent the majority of the time in a zombie daze feeling lacklustre and sapped of love. I even thought I saw him one time in Sri Lanka. And it was weird because my heart had started pounding as if was really WAS him. This crazy romantic fantasy part of my brain ACTUALLY thought he might have come to find me. Only he would never do that in a million years. He can barely even leave London.

I think he also knows now that to be with me, would be to have a mirror put in front of his insecurities. And he’s not ready to deal with them yet.

And that’s his journey.

I hope me being in his life somehow will guide him toward being the best version he could ever be of him too.