Love is not straightforward. Nothing is what it seems.

Posted on October 30, 2014

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Frustrated and confused, I said to myself – just get over it. Be strong.

I don’t want to love someone who isn’t here, and for it to dominate my headspace anymore.

I am doing something amazing overseas right now (I arrived last week) and I want to have fun and enjoy myself and live wholeheartedly in the present.

I realised that I don’t want to talk to Temptation. At least not till I’m back. If that’s meant to be, then it will continue to be in it’s own way. Temptation doesn’t need me chasing him.

In truth, I don’t need Temptation on my mind.

This past week has been amazing in so many ways!

I’ve done a major u-turn in my mind, with the support of daily meditation, yoga and regular viewings on youtube of Deepak Chopra talking about love and life. His psycho-philosophy of how people interact with each other is so spot on, he aways calms my mind.

I have also been reading a bit about the concept of soul mates (or Twin Flames – as it seems to be branded these days. Eugh). It is a bit shrouded in, I dunno, something that I am unsure of. On the one hand, I read about Twin Flames and I think ‘Oh wow that so accurately describes me and The Great Love it’s spooky’ but then the cynical part of my brain kicks in and I think, how weird that it can be so accurately described. Perhaps this notion of ‘soul mates’ and ‘soul friends’ is just what happens sometimes when people meet each other. I am unsure I buy into this one soul splitting into two bodies lark. As open minded as I am, I think human beings just have the ability to reflect eachother’s insecurities sometimes and it can appeal to the ego one minute and a person can make you feel amazing, yet if you are holding a mirror up to the darkness on the inside, then that same person can also test you, challenge you, show you what needs work. Soul mates? No. Just different dynamics I think. Although there is no denying that the shared energy between some people will be life changing and it will force you (inadvertently mostly) to be a better person. Or you’ll run away from it.

A special connection though, no matter how enigmatic, will always blow your mind a little bit. Because it just doesn’t happen all that often.

Take the guy I was working for over the summer. Let’s call him James.

I don’t know what I thought of him to begin with, I liked him enough, he was smart and had a nice energy about him. Seemed quite mature for 27. Then over time, mainly when we were overseas on the project I was running for him, our dynamic shifted. In the space of around 1-2 weeks this really bizare connection grew between us. My friend insists that we fancy each other and that it’s plain for all to see. I don’t know about that. I don’t get that vibe from him necessarilly although we definitely have chemistry. Maybe friendship chemistry. Although I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about it being something else.

You just can’t escape good chemistry sometimes. But at various times I would occasionally feel insecure around him. Almost like I wasn’t quite good enough. I don’t know where it came from, but I suppose some of my deep rooted issues were being exposed as this project was intimidating me. It was a new situation. I overcame it though, which is great. But at the time I spiralled into a weird depression and couldn’t place my finger on why.

Yesterday, in my new home for the next 7 weeks, back in the same country we were in over the summer, he called me – turns out he was heading to the same town I’m in. We’d not really properly spoken since I’d said goodbye to him in August.

He just came over for dinner. And we had a good talk.

And it was really nice.

Suddenly Temptation/The Great Love seems really far away. And i’m happy about that. I want to embrace this moment and live fully present in the skin I am in, not constantly day dreaming about something that may (or may not) happen “one day” in the future.

But to continue my daily meditation practice and manifesting for myself all the love and joy a person could need – I don’t need to be relying on others to get these things anymore. And that feels GREAT 🙂

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Posted in: Journal, Journeys