The Fallback Girl

Posted on November 19, 2014

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Oh.

I get it.

I’m the fallback girl.

And he’s my fallback guy.

If he didn’t promise his time and his attention and then disappear, we’d spend loads of time together. It would be fun and natural at first, only soon the novelty would start to wear off. I can just tell. Any amount of time in his company longer than the last and I get this weird feeling of ‘Oh. He seems more into me than I am into him’. And I feel like he’d bug me. We’d spend too much time together, it’s just too easy to.  But he’d refuse to watch the TV I want to watch, and he’d talk about politics all the time, and his new celebrity friends, and i’d run out of things to say. And he’d start to go out all the time, without inviting me. Or I would rather stay in so we’d start spending more time apart. Then when we try to get together, it would be difficult and clash with things, and then we do finally hang out, I’d be annoyed it took so long to arrange and he’d be thinking this feels too serious and want to run away.

And then we’d get narky. The energy would be off. He’d throw mini tantrums because I wanna talk about stuff and probably leave. It would get awkward. I’d be annoyed. We’d eventually patch things up via the magic of sex, and things would be rosy for a while. Or a night. Seemingly back to normal. Normal to us being the opposite of what it means to others. And he’d do things that disappoint me. I’d try hard not to let it show.

Then it would build up and I’d end up flipping out over something small. Or something big. I’d get hurt by his behaviour. He’d go out all night or something, get high and not contact me out of guilt for snogging some other high girl. I’d not hear from him till Wednesday, till I get a solitary text with the lonely words “I’m sorry”.

I’d ignore him.

I’d tell myself, ‘That’s it. It’s over. I don’t want a child in my life, I want a real man’. And I’d stew. My frustration and sadness would fester and I’d start looking for someone new. Someone to take my mind off it. I’d get momentarily excited by a guy I meet on Tinder or Ok Cupid and for a moment there, there would be a glimmer of hope for the future. A real man. Just maybe. Perhaps it could be.

But it doesn’t work out because I don’t really fancy them all that much. Or they are a shit kisser, or terrible in bed, or boring. Or they snore or moan or cook badly or like football a bit too much. It would put me off and i’d find myself thinking about HIM again. Wondering why it all went wrong. Missing being in his arms.

And i’d stare at my phone, imagining what to say. Dreaming up conversations. One word texts. Hey.

It turns out he’s thinking about me too. Wondering where it all went wrong. Frustrated. Sad. A dwindling black book of disappointing lies festering in his palm. No replies. So he turns to me.

And so it starts again. Two lonely souls in the haze of life. It seems great at first – DIFFERENT THIS TIME.

Every time feels like a slow move forward, in the right direction. More self awareness, empathy, trust, growth and love. LOVE. Or so it seems.

Till he disappears again. And I knew it was coming, but I convinced myself it wouldn’t. And I didn’t think I’d miss him if it did.

But I do. Less angst, mind you.

And so it starts. Online dating. A distraction. Getting excited at new prospects. Flirting. Chatting. Whatsapp. Promises of hot dates and cosy winter nights and heaps and heaps of fresh new opportunity.

Only I know the day will come, when my phone beeps and I see the solitary words ‘I miss you’.

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