Respect Yo Self (Love & Redundancy)

Posted on April 8, 2015

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Hello! Long time no speak huh. 

So I found an old un-posted blog I wrote in Word in 2013 rather randomly just now whilst I was looking for a meditation to do before bed (a rare occurrence in itself these days, as much as I think about doing it.) But it was really strange, because my laptop isn’t as old as the date on the word doc Funny how cloud technology can bring you content from your past, in a jiffy – just like that!

Before I paste this in, I just wanted to say – I had a revelation (again) the other day during a meditation in the bath. This voice told me that I needed to change my blog title. Ok, there was no ‘voice’.. It was just my own mind. But yeh, I realised that ‘I like the smell of new things’ is representative of my past, of my commitment issues mostly. This is my own commitment to myself by the way.

But I have decided not to change the title a) as I like it and b) I don’t think i’ve conquered this commitment thing yet. It’s not about being single, its about loving myself. Manifested through meditation and exercise. I’m still not very good at looking after myself. I put in all these hours with work, and i’m constantly thinking about how to make things better for other people – but I don’t give myself any love. I still look in the mirror and think eugh for christsake! Sure, i’ve cut back on some of the less healthy aspects of my lifestyle but I struggle to commit to two very important things that make me feel good. And more importantly, they stop me from feeling, and wanting to do, bad things.

The following post was written in February 2013, I’m not sure why I never posted it – but either way, it’s now over two years later – and whilst SO MUCH has changed, really, as far as meditation and exercise goes. Not much at all. 

Wake up call? You decide.

Today was my last full day at work. Was in back to back meetings and didn’t have time to sort out a handover or anything. Will go back in Friday to finish up, and go for drinks etc. My boss convinced me not to go silently today so I’ll do a bigger send off in a few weeks and go out in style.

Mixed feelings around what’s happened in the last few weeks. I feel like I’ve lost my job, lost any hope of something happening with THE GREAT LOVE and literally lost some parts of my knee from where they drilled through it! Why does everything always come in threes?

But I’ve gained stuff too. Three days in a row last week were spent with three amazing women, where I explored my spirituality, buddhism, the art of happiness, sex and relationships and why sometimes what you want isn’t what you always get.

I’ve also gained new friendships, new ideas about where I want my life to go, new perspectives on why people do the things they do and some focus on my own wants and needs. Its been progressive.

Loving someone greatly, who can’t/won’t/doesn’t make you happy, is just tough titties to me. Doesn’t mean the worlds gonna end, that the time won’t be right one day or that I’m going to end up lonely and alone.

Me and the great love perhaps needed this reconnection and subsequent fall out to learn more about ourselves, so we could be more at peace with the way we feel.

Bringing that back to redundancy, as its a forced situation out your control its like going through a break up. At first it makes sense, you can see how its not gonna work… In the case of work there’s no more funding, your salary doesn’t exist, there’s no way to pay you. So there’s acceptance there. Then you feel sad about it when you realise its actually happening, sentimental even. You remember the good times, special moments, achievements and memories you’ll treasure forever. The hopes and dreams you once shared, no longer. Then anger sets in. It doesn’t last, to make room again for sadness but it lingers as you try to make sense of it all fight the feelings you have around why you weren’t fought for.

As I start to prepare for the next phase in my life, isn’t it funny how so many people from my past came back into it. Not only The great love, the guy who really loved me; his best mate, the ex-boyfriend and the one who I let slip through my fingers.

And with that came new people – NATTY, ALLIE and the potential of me exploring more of my spirituality through KERRY, a girl I met recently through my voluntary work. And to top it off, FIT GUY who I met on POF didn’t scoff when I told him I couldn’t meet him as I had meditation class tomorrow night. In fact he said that’s really cool, whereas GREAT LOVE scoffed at me on the phone about my depression coping mechanism, almost like that seemed a bit extreme, or placing something in a higher power that doesn’t exist. But what better higher power than your own self, I say. I am my own god, and if u believe what Mystic Moon said in Oct, a goddess.

Rah.

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Posted in: Journal