The classic, the nomadic and the ‘Great Love’ – which relationship is yours?

Posted on April 19, 2015

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I have been doing a fair amount of personal development on myself. What’s new! But hear me out… Caught in what feels like ‘forever singledom’ (since my last major break up a few years ago – actually it’s nearly 4 years ago! Dang.) I am trying my damnedest to break the patterns of the past. This means, not going for ‘unavailable’ guys, not being drawn to bad boys (I mean, seriously – how this still gets me I don’t know – I’m now 35!) and basically seeing the red flags before its too late. And it’s empowering stuff. Yet it means that I am constantly single. It means I don’t really give people all that much of a chance sometimes. But I have realised its not always about THEM, or their inefficiencies or incapabilities to be ‘perfect’ – it actually comes back to myself. What am I worth? How do I value myself? That constant feeling of frustration and hurt (rejection, being ignored etc etc) comes from my own insecurities and not the intention of another person to cause pain. So when it comes to romantic relationships I have three schools of thought going on in my head right now:

  1. The classic relationship: you’re dating, hanging out but its exclusive and you’re both hoping it might turn into something longer term. Maybe you’re even falling in love. But whatever it is, its uncomplicated.
  2. The nomadic relationship: you’re always on the move, going overseas, you rarely sit still. But there’s a cool casual someone who you don’t mind hanging out with whenever you’re in town.
  3. The great love: this person blows your mind, but it’s way too intense. Yet you can’t stop thinking about them, its an obsession! And probably because you rarely see them. Your schedules conflict. They’re possibly seeing someone else. Or they’re holding back. So you do the same. And it challenges you because its hard to walk away from but equally hard to be caught up in.

See? This is where my problem is. I see ‘The Great Love’ as this unattainable thing, whereas it should really be part of a classic relationship. I guess its because in my experience it certainly seems that way aka unattainable. Perhaps it goes deeper than that. Perhaps it’s still about my own love for myself. A few weeks back know (when in India) I was meditating with my friend, and I realised the relationship I had with my former ‘Great Love’ (someone I had an on/off thing with for around 8 years); I had probably continued to pursue (despite the very obvious red flags) because I have an on & off relationship with myself. I never commit to anything – exercise, healthy eating, diet – and even meditation. I tend to dip in and out, enthusiastic and very passionate and I love doing it. But then I can’t keep it going. And I probably end up talking about it more than actually doing it. Then a week ago in the bath I realised that I still very much look into the mirror and tell myself I’m unattractive and that I hate my body, and it was yet again another wake up call. I’m my own worst enemy. It’s no wonder I was getting nervous about meeting up with this guy i’d been flirting with on Tinder. I was creating my own self fulfilling (most likely) prophecy that he wouldn’t like me. And what’s to like, if someone’s projecting a negative energy like that? So I bucked up a bit. I stopped looking into the mirror for starters. But then I also started to put on proper clothes (!), and do my hair. Wear some make up. I’d gotten into a self employment rut of never changing out of my slum-it or sleeping attire. I started to exercise again. I changed my diet from lazy carbs and cheese and snacks, to salads and lean meats. I have now been for 5 runs in the last few weeks and done several youtube work outs, and I feel fantastic! My body shape is changing too and I feel proud of this skin i’m in. I don’t mind looking in the mirror again. I am training myself to love myself. I’m proud of this vessel, that pumps blood round my veins. It’s a bloomin’ bloody miracle and I’m lucky to have my health – and my life! Like that women I once met in the Lake District said – “you’re a goddess!”. And I’d blushed. I didn’t really understand what she meant. I also realised that I need to start recognising where people sit in my relationship ‘schools of thought’. I’d put far too much pressure on my new cyber datee that i’d already made him a relationship type #1 (classic relationship) in my head before I’d even met him (based on a weird connection on whatsapp I suppose, but really what does that even mean?). Based on our conflicting schedules he’s probably more realistically going to sit in relationship type #2. And that’s even if he is happy with that. Or if I even fancy him! He might be a total loser packaged up in something pretty. Or he might just not be ready for what I want. So lesson learned again – stay ever present. Don’t fantasise about the future with a stranger, no matter how tempting. It’s the devil trying to seduce you to the dark side……..

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