A BDSM Love Letter from the Past

Posted on May 15, 2015

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I have a folder on my new macbook air titled ALL MY FILES. Sometimes I have clicked in it and i’ve seen a run of oddly titled journal entries and old bits of writing from 2008. I have no idea where they have come from, it’s the strangest thing. Just now I clicked on one, curious, and up popped this email from an old flame that didn’t work out. Someone who was exploring his sexuality through BDSM. I was too.

It starts by saying ‘Well that was a bit of a head fuck’.

Reading it back just now, in 2015, seven years later, was a bit of a head fuck.

To put some context around it, I think I’d emailed him a year after he’d ended things abruptly with me after the first time we slept together telling him how I had thought I was really falling for him. Or something like that. I kept all his emails. It’s really weird reading things back 7 years later I tell you. Wanna see why?

Well, that was a bit of a head fuck. i really wasn’t anticipating a reply or to be honest, any further correspondence at all.

not in a bad way, really. its just when you have stuff on your mind, you know the normal stuff that you worry about day in day out, the stuff you don’t prepare for, the stuff that blindsides you in the middle of the night on a sunday, thats the stuff that stops you in your tracks.

hello, by the way.

despite my penchant for the dramatics, its really good to hear from you. a little west of centre, but good.

So, first things; the miss Vix thing and i really didn’t work out. did in a cyber world sense, very much no in real life. we had one drink and didn’t get past that. I’m glad, actually. it was very intense, and although thats almost exactly what i’m looking for i really regret looking for it on the internet…

good for you with the training. a little unsure as to what you mean; are you being trained as a sub?! that surprises me. you, my dear, are certainly not a sub.
if you’re being trained as a domme, then thats cool. in fact, it sounds perfect. it would do you good.
‘scuse me if i don’t laugh a little at this whole notion of ‘the scene’ thing though, its all a little silly. I hope things work out there. only thing i would say is that please, please don’t trade up your standards, when it comes to open relationships. if you honestly come to a decision that is well reasoned and you’re ok with them than thats cool, but don’t feel any sense of obligation. ever! reading that back, its a little (a lot?!) condescending and a bit rude. I know you’re a wise lady, so i don’t doubt you, i just really happen to love that you are also a person that is self aware enough to have standards and want to protect that about you.

you are right about the sex. it wasn’t what it should have been. not that i regret it at all, because actually i really don’t, but in terms of sheer, unadulterated potential it could, should and probably would have been something a little other worldly.

you have some scary dreams.

you should know that i’m itching to ask what precisely you are doing to me in them… my curiosity may yet kill me, i fear.

i think what is pretty clear about our whole thing was that it was right, but it wasn’t right then. if we were without our intricate and messy situations and headspaces, knowing what we know now from our own separate sexual deviations and explorations, the fact that we both seem a whole lot more self aware than we ever did, seems to suggest that the very nature of our relationship would have been completely different. possibly, and i dont think i’m going too far out on a limb here, it may even have been sublime.

when you call me your muse, do you just mean sexually?! thats cool if it is, if i have inspired you to know your place as a Domme in this world then thats just a cool as inspiring you to write. I have to admit, i am deeply curious, about you. i think about it at least as much as you do, in all honestly. you left your marks in me honey, you should know that. my limits are, umm, probably a little deeper than yours. i’m a total pain and humiliation slut, really.

are you still writing by the way? if so, let me read some!

i’m a londoner! its about where you’re going, not where you’ve come from. and yes, i was an asshole. im sorry.

i’m sorry about xmas. we should have at least gone for a drink. like the first one we ever went for, if you remember that?! teehee.

if you are coming back, even if its just for a little bit, look me up ok?

I’m glad you were compelled to write this. its given me, perhaps unfairly, a little glimmer of hope that you’re not lost to me quite yet. i mean that in a fairly platonic sense, at least for the time being. i don’t expect anything from you.

hope that ramble makes sense.

Love XXX x x x

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Posted in: History, Letters