I’ve been seeing this guy recently, and something’s bothering me

Posted on May 15, 2015


I’ve been seeing this guy recently, and something’s bothering me. It’s not the fact that he spoons me in a way that’s dangerous (i.e. quite nice), it’s not the fact that i’m leaving in 2 weeks to go overseas again for a little while, nor the fact that he goes to Cocaine Anonymous, has two kids, is divorced and had a traumatic childhood that was violent and abusive.

I don’t believe you should avoid people just because of these things.

In fact, we’re bonding over our various headspaces in life. It’s heavy talk sometimes. But for him at least, cathartic.

What bothers me is that he doesn’t adhere to one of my core values when we’re in bed.

He doesn’t respect me.

Or if I let the feminist in me talk for a moment – he doesn’t respect my lady. Or should that just be ‘the woman’ in me 🙂

I’ve never come across this before. Sure guys hate wearing protection – hell! I do too! Everyone wants skin on skin. But that’s my choice to make. And whilst he doesn’t force the issue – I sure as hell have to defend my corner. And it’s exhausting. And extremely off putting.

But it comes down to how much he respects himself I think. I’ve told him I haven’t been to get checked in a while, and that I need to do that (as does he) before we make that intimate next step in our relationship. It’s too early days to be honest. And i’m leaving the country in 2-3 weeks.

But I kind of feel like I shouldn’t have to explicitly spell that out, or at least, have to keep explaining my justifications. It should be a bit of a no brainer right? But he’s relentless. Its very annoying. I told him I find it disrespectful. He didn’t listen. He’s a trier i’ll give him that.

Lying in bed this morning, I was missing those spoons, and I thought ‘uh-oh’ this isn’t quite the attachment-free connection I was looking to make when I embarked on a quest for a no-strings relationship. I’m not really a pro in this space, so I was trying to avoid sleep overs for this very reason. Keep myself guarded. Sensible right?

His need for closeness, a combination of vulnerability and something else, which I quite can’t put my finger on, suckered me in to stay over though. It’s not always easy saying no and walking away, especially when you know it could actually feel quite nice. Although sure there is a very rational part of my brain going ‘red flag’ here for sure.

On reflection, I know I have to sit down and have a chat with him and tell him why I don’t wanna see him anymore.

I could just avoid seeing him again but I wanna be the girl who gets him to look at life differently. It doesn’t have to be the way he’s clearly gotten used to. The heavy talk of violent past relationship experiences, unnecessarily nasty behaviour and general drug infused disrespect is just another habit for him, the talk of it more these days, less the action. But it’s probably both. But then being objective about it – if he is used to the girls he sleeps with parting their legs with no testify against protection, then where does the blame for his insistence lie?

I’m sure he’s seen over the years a steady stream of girls offering free love.

But mine shall stay as protected as i’ll be making my heart from now on.

Posted in: Journal