Dating someone with low self esteem

Posted on May 16, 2015


When he’s back from his trip to pick up his kids, I feel like I need to raise something with the guy i’ve seen seeing this last few weeks.

He said something that has stuck in my head, about being nervous around me.

Upon questioning, he said ‘I dunno, for some reason I’m nervous around you. Perhaps its because you’re from different stock.’ and on a separate occasion he’d teased me saying he thought he was my ‘bit of rough’.

Both these comments made me feel weird – because i’d not seen it that way in the slightest. At the time I had feebly replied ‘Nah that’s not how I see it’ then gone quiet, sounding like I didn’t mean it most probably. To an insecure person that’s what they would be thinking most likely. And he’s insecure. Not a judgement – an observation.

It’s been playing on my mind though. I want to raise it. Talk about it. He’s actually – surprisingly – someone you can say things to. He’s not defensive, and he is happy to ‘go there’ and is very honest about his emotions. Almost brutally sometimes.

So I thought i’d write down what I wanna say first, to get my thoughts in order. What do you think?

Do you remember when you said about being my bit of rough last week? It’s been playing on my mind. I don’t always say what I probably should in the moment, mostly because I can take a while to process my thoughts, but instead of letting it slip under the carpet I thought I’d talk to you about it. I actually think you might wanna hear what I have to say.

I was surprised in fact. When you said that you were nervous what with us being from different stock. 

I don’t see us – or people in general actually – that way. I don’t care about money or class – it’s the person and how they behave, their values, that matter most to me. I like people from all different walks of life. The more varied the story the better more often than not. I don’t tend to surround myself with what one might call average people, but then what you see on the outside doesn’t always match what’s going on inside. But so long as someone has redeemable qualities, is self aware and mindful of doing things the right way, then I get that we’re all a work in progress. I don’t seek to surround myself by mirror images but I try to see the good in everyone. 

I see really lovely things about you, which is why I like you. These are good things that I haven’t always seen in the guys in my life. You’re alright you know. Better than you think you are. I know you’re in a vulnerable place in your life, and I can’t always tell if you like me or just want some company – but I have been enjoying hanging out. You’re a nicer guy than I perhaps thought you were gonna be. And you’re a nicer guy than you give yourself credit for I think sometimes. 

That said, there’s definitely some differences in the way we approach certain things. I can’t speak for your exes but I feel like there are things you want from me, which I can’t give you, and I think i’d like you a lot more if you were able to work with me on that. It’s pretty standard stuff to not give a girl any grief around protection. You don’t give me grief, but you’re pretty persistent in the moment. 

So i guess there’s second chances but there’s also the point where you have to either walk away or say something. I thought i’d go for the former since we have a connection and I get where you’re at in your life right now. I think it’s probably a personal code of conduct thing that i’m talking about here. You probably haven’t met anyone to enforce this particular rule. I get that. But i’m enforcing it now. If we’re gonna carry on seeing each other, I wanna be in control around that one.

Other than that, I actually think you’re alright. You’re a little lost maybe. But I respect you enough to talk to you about this. I wanted to do it when we weren’t in bed.

Clarity I suppose. Perspective. Objectivity.