Pining someone & holding back from that card revealing whatsapp?

Posted on May 17, 2015

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Yup that’s me right now. Cool, calm and collected right? I can see he’s online on whatsapp. He comes and goes. I sit staring, innocently re-reading our messages. Trying to find the meaning in the unspoken, the hidden feeling in the teasing, flirting, morning sexy’s. My apartment is getting cleaned. Pristinely. I’m going to go for a run. Sex is addictive isn’t it. Spooning, when it feels pretty damn good, is a hard thing to shake in that post-intimacy fog brain we end up with. Does it feel good because of their urgency to get close to someone, anyone? Tightly weaving their loins around you. Or do we have an actual connection that’s uniquely ours? We’ve only ever met 4 times in our lives. It’s early days to be thinking these things. I know that. The question is, what does it all mean? If anything? Casual relationships, at the best of times, invariably end up not being casual because of this fact don’t they. This is why I avoid them – because I choose to have casual relationships with the people I don’t think I’d ever have a relationship with. Only its the casual relationships that end up becoming relationships, and I never end up having a relationship born out of traditional ‘dating’. But I know the rules. I know what to do. It’s not game playing. It’s protection. Something I am ultimately in control of unless I give it up too soon. No one can take that from me, unless I cave. And weakly seek some whatsapp insta-gratification. I have to ask myself some challenging questions. What void is his company filling? Do I even like him? Is it just about sex for me? And of course is there any point asking myself ANY of these questions, would it not be better to just block it all out, lock it up and throw the key into the pacific ocean during my flight to Rio? With the added knowledge I have around his own vulnerability and self esteem issues I wouldnt be doing anyone any favours if I got in touch with him during this current period of downtime, when he’s got his kids with him and i’m heading north to my folks. He’d then think I like him which would achieve two things: 1/ Him thinking I might like him, passing the baton of power over to him – which may or may not be an issue and I don’t know him well enough right now to know if that’s something that could shift our fragile dynamic 2/ It could only serve to make us closer, united by this notion that we might like each other And it’s too soon for that. Going away in two weeks…. for six weeks, i’ll be away for longer than we’ll have been hanging out.  This story has a predictable outcome doesn’t it. I don’t want to get attached to anyone and I don’t want anyone, particularly someone who is figuring their life out post-cocaine addiction and near-death (sadly, that’s not a joke), to get attached to me. I’m not a good person to get attached to right now. I guess holding back is part of growing up, right? I’ll take that 🙂 And blocking thoughts/feeling out, despite 10 years of therapy, can actually be a sensible way to deal with feelings when acknolwedging them isn’t going to do anyone any favours. Or perhaps its about acknowledging them – ie this blog post – but then not acting on them. Now that’s what I call growing up.

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