Keep yo’ feelings in check

Posted on May 21, 2015


It’s happening.

I’m thinking about him.

I’ve slipped over to the dark side of love, the borderline angsty, pining kind that feels like love, when its really just lust. An intoxicating seductive allure that’s full of crazy brain chemicals that lift you up and pull you down.

He’s on my mind before I sleep.

I’m staring at whatsapp, noticing when he’s online or when he was last online, and i’m wandering what he’s doing, who he’s chatting to. Curious to know if i’m the only one. Big enough and grown up enough to know that i’m probably not.

He messaged me on Monday and my heart fluttered a little. And I thought ‘uh-oh’ and it all dawned on me, then equally immediately after, I swooned. He was wondering if I could squeeze him in before I go away, he said it would be ‘nice to see me’ amongst asking about my day, and various other questions about my parents. I said ‘of course’ but kept things casual, saying we could figure something out when i’m back.

Two days later I needed to know. It was consuming me. My lady parts swollen at the thought.

It got the better of me. I’m seeing him next Tuesday. Short and sweet.

He was obviously busy. He has the kids with him. Upon inspection this morning it looks like he was on whatsapp at 3.50am. I have no idea what any of it means, nothing most likely, but i’m realising this:

He’s trouble.

He might be innocent trouble.

But I want more. I feel like i’m edging on attached. With strings.

I know my timing sucks, I know he wants a relationship and might well be considering one with me, and he’s done all the chasing till now, and i’ve kept my guard in check, until those damn fucking spoons. That’s what did me. Because I felt something. Something I hadn’t in a while. And I felt it with a stranger. We’ve only met 4 times. Usually those things are to be earned.

I think this is the crossroads many sail blindly through – and so i’m going to open my eyes and see this for what it is.

He’s got an addictive personality. I’m in recovery too. He’s at the start of the journey, i’m nearly four years into mine.

He’s lonely. Vulnerable.

He’s incredibly attractive. Funny. Sensitive. A bit odd. Endearingly so. The type not be single for very long.

He will be wanting to have some company whilst i’m still here because he’s a red blooded man. And I’m a red blooded girl. And we have both acknowledged we have a connection.

Knowing I’m going away, he might be be lining up someone else for when i’m gone. Standard. I don’t blame him for that.

This is just.

A bit.

Of fun.