A soulful home: where the heart is?

Posted on May 25, 2015

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John Bradshaw says in his book ‘Creating Love’ that you need to make a soulful home to create happiness and love within.

I think I really know what he’s talking about.

This last year, i’ve been on the biggest adventure. Not the biggest of my life, but one of many which contributes to the whole, the biggest of them all.

Prior to that, I was bored. Sat in my apartment staring at the TV. It felt like something was missing, like I was waiting for something to happen. I felt heavy with a burden that I couldn’t quite put my finger on, and not knowing where it came from, or at least knowing of anything that justified the weight of the heaviness, only served to add more weight.

I know there was this whole other world out there which I wasn’t playing a part in. I needed to be a part of it. It felt like it would give me answers.

So I put some locks on my cupboards, put my things into my spare room, and rented my main room out on Airbnb. And I went volunteering to Kenya for three months.

It was like an exorcism.

It wasn’t the adventure I thought it would be. But boy, was it – and has it been – an adventure.

The darkness poured out of me thick like a stench, I guess it always catches up with you in the end. There’s no running away from the black of your soul.

But like an exorcism, it purged.

I realised my loneliness was engulfing me and that I needed to come home. I left after 2 months knowing I would go back. But I had to find my way home.

Needless to say, within all the emotional chaos a flower started to bloom – and I started a business. A business that means I get to travel throughout the year. But it was never planned to be that way, it was organic, and a one time – maybe two time – thing. But it became three times. And now times 8 and 9 are in the diary. I know where I will be for the rest of the year, and it will be in four maybe five different places. When I think about settling still in London for a while, it’s not going to be until 2016.

It sounds great, this new nomadic life doesn’t it. There was a time when I fantasised about it. Longed and craved.

I manifested it. Did I? Maybe I did. I got what I asked for.

I don’t always get what I ask for. But in this instance, the universe has delivered me something incredible. A successful business that means I get to travel all around the world and positively impact people’s lives for the better.

The fragments spent back in my London base, are fleeting but they’re happy.

Happy.

So even though going overseas is an incredible adventure, albeit tainted with a lot of hard work and exhaustion and not much time to myself; I have this haven to come back to. My new spiritual home. The same place I started out in.

Who knew?

This last few days, i’ve been pottering about, putting up pictures on the walls, adding various things that remind me of stuff from various points in my life. Stuff that comes with a story. Things i’ve been gathering this last year but haven’t had the chance to do anything with yet. I look around and I like what I see. It feels me. Unique to me.

Living on my own means I can play the music I like, when I like and as loud as I like.

And in doing that, along with everything else that’s going on right now – I get these tiny moments of happiness. It fizzes in my belly. It shines through the windows at 2pm and leaves rays of light splayed in daggers across my floor.

It comes in the form of a whatsapp message from a cute boy.

Or when i’m putting my make up on. And a song I’ve not heard before finds me dancing in my underwear. I catch my reflection smiling.

Recovering from depression might just be the hardest thing you ever do in your life. It might feel like its never going to end. Years go by, and you honest to god can’t remember when you were last happy. Convinced you’ve been depressed your whole life, this time drowning in a formerly suppressed fog.

It will probably be a case of two steps forward and constantly one or two back. But you have to fight fucking hard for yourself to climb out of it. Or you’ll kill yourself. There have been times when I literally thought that was the only way out. I fantasised about that too.

By finding a way to connect with my true self – overseas, at home or otherwise – I now feel comfortable with life in its truest nature.

This isn’t a lesson is how to overcome depression. Everyone’s truth is different, unique to them and their needs.

But by leaving home, I discovered that home was exactly where I wanted to be.

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