Lunch with The Great Love.

Posted on May 29, 2015

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“It’s the potential”, he said. “That makes this feel like such a big thing.”

Waking up this morning, I scrolled through my phone, needing to reach out. I felt rejected by Blackheath, who disappeared on me last night despite at 8pm messaging me updates from his snooker tournament. We had plans to catch up at around 10. Blackheath had gone offline around 9.45 having seen my messages and not replying to them, then stayed offline till 2am.

And I messaged HIM.

Not Blackheath.

The Great Love.

I didn’t plan it, but as I scrolled through my whatsapp contacts at 7am I saw him there and my heart just suddenly went out to him and I wanted to speak to him. Blackheath suddenly paled in comparison.

Me:

‘Hey. I miss you. I know I can say that out the blue like this, because I know you’ll know what I mean. I’m in London for a few days. Can we talk? Hope your okay. I think about you often.x’

His reply:

‘Fuck. Yeah. I know what you mean. I hated the way we left things. When are you in London? How long for? I literally just moved into my flat (its not as as nice as yours, and considerably further away. but still) so you’re welcome to come and visit, I’m just not here all weekend. Away with work’.

We met for lunch.

Magnets. We are like magnets. I held his hand as we walked down the street.

It was so nice.

I have no idea what we ate. He bought it. I just put it in my mouth. I think it was pork.

I got emotional.

I actually fucking cried. Small tears. But emotional release tears. I can’t remember what he said to set me off. I think I allowed myself to get vulnerable. I clung to him tight. Whilst trying not to be clingy.

It was brief. 45 minutes.

He looked amazing. He’s been working out. In the 8 years i’ve known him, I’ve never known him to work out.

We caught up on the last 8 months in flash speed. It’s never a ‘same old same old’ story for either of us.

How has it been 8 months? And why are we missing all these key milestones in each other’s lives?

He said I make him happy.

The times we’re together.

That was nice to hear. I thought I make him miserable, that’s what I thought anyway, a reasonable justification for why he’s forever running away.

The words all roll into one now and I can’t make much sense of any of it. This always happens. Our conversations wrapped so tightly by time, ethereal almost in their surreality. My nerves and goofiness overwhelmed me too and I said the opposite of what I planned to say, too honest, not breezy and cool. I’m never cool around him.

When I said that I always come back to thinking about our potential, that when I date other people and its fine and I like them, I still don’t see the same potential in them that I do when I think about him and he nodded immediately, knowingly.  He said, ‘that’s it though – its the potential..’ only I jumped in and said that its the potential that fucks us up because we don’t even know if its real, that maybe its a fantasy.

Which wasn’t what he was going to say. And he looked a bit disappointed. So I dragged out of him what he meant.

“It’s the potential”, he said. “That makes this feel like such a great big thing. That makes it scary to me.”

And I suppose this is where him and I are different. I want to explore that potential. I want to find out if it’s real or not. Could we together, give each other an incredible life or an amazing chapter? I’m up for either. That’s what I wander. That’s the great leap into the unknown that I feel brave enough to explore. I’m willing, always, to take that risk. Blindly, naively.

For him, it stops him. Holds him back.

Is it an age thing? He’s 28 and I’m 35. Possibly. Maybe.

Its taken ME till now, to get my ducks in a row and really be ready to get things right. And this situation has helped me get there. I’ve had to fight to understand why I was constantly so fucked up by my feelings over this.

The Great Love and me in our weird own way have this thing we share that drives us forward, constantly pushing us to explore what everything means in our own circuitry.

He said he’s started writing a book about ‘us’. That it’s inspired him to write.

I want to love him greatly. I want to be the best person I can be for him to realise what it means to be loved. To know what kindness and patience and real love can be. I don’t really know how to do that. And in the past i’ve been well intentioned but I haven’t been strong enough to cope with having him in my life sometimes and I have to push him away. He does the same thing to me.

I’m sure the story won’t stop here… but i’m going to go to Brazil on Monday with a different attitude to this. It’s not ‘when’ or ‘if’ or anything with any intention or attachment aligned with it. It’s just, ‘it was lovely to see you’.

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Posted in: Journal