Loneliness: a state of being?

Posted on June 6, 2015


What happens when we let ourselves get exposed to loneliness?

We all need to protect ourselves the best way we can from loneliness. Often it’s felt like i’ve been running away from it, or wrapping myself in a cocoon to avoid being exposed to it. But its deep within us. It’s always there, we all have it. Its a state of being.

But we can distract ourselves from it. We can layer over it, pile things on top of it. Love, relationships, fun, work – can all pull us away from the darkness within.

What happens though when you can’t seem to escape it. When it engulfs you?

My therapist used to say, ‘just let it wash over you’. Acknowledge it. Don’t do anything about it. Just be. Don’t push yourself too hard in those moments. Ride the wave and know it will pass. Be kind to yourself.

I had one of these moments yesterday. And it’s still lingering today. I could feel it coming on actually. It was brewing. I felt out of sorts in the morning. A bit sad. Heavy. Unmotivated.

I reached out to some people. Blackheath replied but was busy and perhaps a smidgen aloof. I can’t blame him. I’m not there. No point keeping the flame alive. Six weeks is a long time to pine. Besides I was the one thinking of phasing it out gently before I left, then he got in there first – and oddly I got a bit sentimental as I was saying goodbye and suddenly I feel like I like him again. I care for him. Genuinely. Even if there are a lot of red flags. I can’t put my finger on it. Maybe its just nice having the company. Someone to hold. Stroke my arm.

I took to my bed. Played melancholy music. I tinkered with my travel blog (my other relationship!). Took some photos. Got back on instagram. Sought some facebook validation. Cried a bit when a mate asked ‘are you okay?’ on whatsapp. Frustration mostly. Menstruation induced I think. I gazed through my friends photos online for comfort and wished I was at home, despite hardly ever seeing my friends even when I am. Blackheath liked a photo of me. I smiled.

By 11pm I was drinking beer and heading out into the favelas to a jazz club cut into the hills called The Maze. Several pure alcohol Caprinihas later and it was like the day never happened. Dizzily I stumbled home at 4am.

I still feel unmotivated today though. Slightly on the edge of low. Tired. 5 hours sleep will do that to a person.

What does it all mean?

I sometimes feel like this when I go away. It seems to expose my sadness. Something which has been more transient in my life in recent times. Before I left for Rio I felt incredible. Strong. Clear headed. Objective. Neutral. Empowered. Really good things. The Great Love was texting me saying he admires me and that I inspire him. Blackheath was telling me he thinks I’m special.

So being pragmatic, what are my coping mechanisms for times like these? Am I doing them? Ok, so no. I haven’t been on the whole:

– Healthy Eating (nope)

– Spending quality alone time (trying to)

– Being strict about my working hours (trying to)

– Not drinking alcohol (nope)

– Exercise (nope)

– Meditation (nope)

Time to get back into the habit then I guess. And rebuild. Here we go (again). Mini sigh. But no one knows how to pick themselves up better than me I guess. I’ve done it a million times, and this will be no different. And i’m in Rio baby! This shouldn’t be a depressing blog post by any stretch. Guess it comes back to that thing where we could be anywhere in the world, doing the most amazing things, surrounded by tonnes of awesome people, and you still feel an emptiness inside.

I knew I would get addicted to Blackheath’s spoons. They filled me with love for a split second there. Whether it was real or not I don’t know, but it felt surprisingly good. Was it an illusion? Now i’m going cold turkey it feels a little bit raw.

Dang. Nail on the head.

That’s why i’m feeling blue.

I want love in my life. I want it. I always have.

I need to give it to myself more don’t I.

I need to work on myself again. I slipped a bit.

it’s okay. It’s going to be okay :0)